The Mid-Winter Funk and it’s No Wonder…

Statistically speaking, more people die in February, and fewer people are born in February than in the other 11 months of the year.   Fewer February births don’t surprise me as there are two fewer days for said births to occur.  A child born in February (assuming a normal 40 week gestation) would have been conceived  in May.   Who bothers to get busy on the rare occasions when the weather’s nice?  Most people are thinking about doing the horizontal mambo in the fall and winter when there’s nothing better to do, especially for those who don’t have cable.  That’s why most people are born in the summer.  There’s not much good on cable in the late spring and summer.  Even so, the statistics that indicate there are more deaths in February, especially taking into consideration there are two fewer days to die, are what really intrigue me.   

My birthday is coming up in about three weeks.  I was born in February, probably because cable was unknown in 1968.  I feel sorry for my Dad.  Since Mom is Catholic and I’m their third and final child, I would naturally assume he hasn’t seen any action since May, 1968.  No wonder he’s cranky.  For those who aren’t aware, for Catholics,  sex is pretty much always a sin unless you are a.) doing the nasty with your spouse (also true for most Protestants), b.) doing the nasty with procreation as your goal, and c.) you’re NOT enjoying it.   It’s OK for Protestants to actually enjoy sex, as long as you’re married to the one you’re doing it with.

Suffice to say I am not Catholic.   I am currently (involuntarily…) celibate but that’s not because I have any objections to sex for the enjoyment of it.  I go without because the old man’s impotent.   I have no problem at all with  barrier method birth control (which is again a moot point at least for me as I had a hysterectomy) or pretty much any kind of erotic pursuits within marriage, and I have no problem at all with enjoying it.  The fact that I personally can’t enjoy such things really sucks but that’s just how it is.  

I wonder if Catholic women are allowed to do the dirty deed at all after menopause because there is no chance of procreation?   I guess you could cite the Biblical story of Abraham and Sarah (she was 90 years old and had a kid) as a technicality, but to me the very idea of dried up little old Catholic priests telling women how to repress their sexuality is just plain twisted.    Believe me, if I could, I would, and I would make it a point to enjoy it.

What a strange subject. 

This time of year in Ohio at least is depressing.  There’s very little sunlight, it always seems to be overcast, dark and cold, the holidays are over, and springtime (what passes for springtime here anyway,) won’t be on the horizon for at least another month or probably two.   It doesn’t usually get warm around here until the end of May- then it goes from 40 degree high temperatures to 80’s and 90’s almost overnight. 

I don’t like going out after dark, so I don’t do a whole lot other than go to work in the winter.  I do what I deem to be essential household chores at home but not much else.  The cold doesn’t bother me nearly as much as the dark.  In fact the cold is a Godsend when I am dealing with these hot flashes- I’ve been known to go outside and stand in the freezing cold to get some relief,  but it’s the dark that makes it so nasty.  The rain and other assorted precipitation that seems endless and inevitable in winter doesn’t help either.  In fact if the weather forecasts are correct (and that’s a long shot two days out) we are in for another blast of the Great White Death this weekend.  At least if there is six inches of snow on the ground I have another good excuse to stay inside and watch TruTV and play games on the DS.

I eagerly await the beginning of Daylight Savings Time.  It might actually be light out for a bit after I get off work again then. 

I never could figure out why people wait to bug me until a.) I am in the crapper, or b.) I’m at lunch.  But if I ignore the pesky situation until after lunch  it inevitably becomes a disaster.  That’s depressing too.  Sometimes it takes every ounce of restraint I have to keep from throttling people for being stupid and/or having crappy timing. 

Perhaps the real pisser regarding this time of year is that there’s really not much to look forward to.  Just more bland, damp, dark winter.  


Wankers, Wankers Everywhere

I have to wonder at times what the thought process was behind a number of 80’s hairstyles.  I tried the big hair thing but with my bone-straight and then mousy-brown thick hair- good freaking luck.  Not even spiral perms and vast quantities of AquaNet could pull it off very well as the world’s worst prom picture can attest.

So when my hair turned grey I chopped it off and dyed it black.  Hard to believe that’s been about 15 years now.

It’s a shame hats aren’t more in vogue.  I have a lot of hats and I enjoy wearing them.  But then again I generally don’t give a rat’s ass about other people consider to be fashionable.  If I like it I wear it and if anyone wants to comment on it I say tough titty.  Life is too short to be boring like everyone else.  I may be boring, but I want to be uniquely boring- in a defiant “bite me” sort of way.  I enjoy being a bit controversial and on the edge, especially where I know there will be bleeding heart types and liberal wieners.  If I were ashamed of my beliefs and views I’d change them. I’m not so I won’t, and I don’t hide what I believe either.

The older I get the easier it is to be eccentric and get away with it.  Now I know how my grandma used to wander through the malls making all sorts of downright shocking (and loud) commentary with no one uttering a word.

There is a time for tact and decorum, yes, but the political correctness movement has made too many people afraid to point out the obvious.

We have become afraid to spank miscreant children- and they know all they have to do to get their parents in deep shit is to allege any form of  “abuse.”  (“Abuse” meaning such terrible things as denying them a big screen TV in their room or not letting their 12 year old sleep over party include a “Jackass” film festival.)

We have become afraid to call out those who would threaten this country and hide behind freedom of religion to commit terrorism.  Your freedom of religion ends when your religion calls for you to kill me because I do not subscribe to your religion.

We have become afraid to call a slacker a slacker and to require those who request government assistance to do a few basic things to better themselves such as:   stay off drugs and alcohol, work to acquire job skills, and refrain from breeding while on the public dime.

We have not gained the courage to look beyond a person’s color or nationality or gender and simply say, “I will hire the best person for the job.”

The lessons we humans seem to learn the best are those taught in the School of the Burned Hand.  You can tell a child the stove is hot until you’re blue in the face but until he puts his hand on the hot burner he generally doesn’t get it.   Apparently the people out there who subscribe to all these ridiculous ideas haven’t gotten burned yet- but it is only a matter of time.

You know the kid is irritating when…

I really try to avoid Kroger’s on Welfare Day.  I know people on food stamps have to go to the store too, but it seems they all show up on the first of the month.  Had I remembered that, I would have dragged my sorry carcass out of bed and gotten to Kroger’s on Sunday, even though I had promised myself an entire weekend in bed so I could lick my wounds from the previous week.   That is a saga in and of itself.  Suffice to say I will be weeks without my car and there is a certain sort of irony that I will be driving a black VW with North Carolina plates much longer than I truly care to.

Anyway, one way to make the trip to Kroger’s a bit more bearable is to play some good tunes (loud, to drown out the lame stuff they play in the store) so I had my selection of Metallica MP3’s going on.  This was well and good until I get to the check out and there is this obnoxious little brat- five or six, and definitely old enough to know how to behave in public,  in line ahead of me.  He was screeching and kicking his mother in the shins (something I would have handily backhanded my own offspring for doing, had he ever even thought to have the balls to act like that in public) which was bad enough.  But when I can hear him screeching over James Hetfield, the rest of Metallica, and the San Francisco Symphony performing “Battery,” this is over the top.  It took all my restraint to keep my mouth shut, and to keep my hands from throttling the little bastard.

It’s not that I particularly hate children.  I am mildly misanthropic at best- especially in Kroger’s on Welfare Day, when it seems someone’s fat ass is always square in front of the one item I need to grab- but I have a really dark disdain of kids who behave like savages in public.  Whenever I see little miscreants flailing down the frozen food section wailing because Mom won’t buy the ice-cream treats, or I am treated to a whining diatribe  such as, “I WANNA CANDYYYYYYY!!!!” in the checkout lane,  I seriously question the prevailing attitude that it is bad to beat a miscreant child half-way across K-Mart, Wal-Mart, Kroger, etc.  to enforce behavioral norms.   Sometimes the only way to get through to their minds is to warm up their behinds from time to time.

I don’t condone child abuse, but there are times when the little ones need a little corporal punishment.  This kid needed a trip to the ladies’ and a thorough hiney swatting.  I am sure most of the people in the store would secretly agree with me, except maybe a few whiny bleeding hearts who don’t have kids but do have Children’s Services on speed-dial in case some poor child is at risk of having his little self-esteem tarnished.

I grew up with a good Catholic mother.  She beat us whether we needed it or not, especially in church.   There was no nursery in church.  You did the Catholic calesthenics along with everyone else under fear of a good pounding.  

Of course back in the 70’s maintaining strict discipline was considered normal.  If your kids were even the least bit out of line you were expected to backhand them before someone else did it for you.   Kids had the fear in them,  and rightfully so most of the time,  in my humble opinion.  I can see the potential for abuse here, but people didn’t have to put up with screaming banchees rolling on the floor in Wal-Mart or be treated to a toddler sitting in its mother’s cart throwing handfuls of dog food down the aisles.  I won’t say the regular beatings made me turn out better or even “normal” but at least I do know how to act in public.  

To change the subject- which I do all the time- this is what happened to the illustrious Hello Kitty Yaris:

This sucks.  Not to mention it’s an endeavor just to get a week’s worth of groceries in the VW.  As far as the VW, I like the traction control and the butt warmers in the seats.  If it had a 5-speed it would be a fun car.

I am one of the 13%- 13% of American drivers prefer manual transmissions.  I miss my car mostly because it is a 5 speed, and I have more than ample room in the trunk for groceries and other assorted BS.  However I am grateful I got the VW- when I went to pick up my rental all the other cars were Kias and that would be hard to take when one is used to driving a Toyota all the time. 

Speaking of Toyota the whole accelerator issue is way overblown in my opinion.  It used to be fairly common on a number of cars that the throttle cable would stick or break- leaving the throttle wide open.  Shut it off (one click only so as not to lock the steering) and coast over to the side of the road.  It’s not rocket science.  I had to do it three or four times when the throttle cable on my 72 Super Beetle broke. 

Then again the average person knows absolutely nothing about cars other than they like to drive them, so go figure.  As far as I am concerned Toyota still builds the best cars out there, so I have no problem.  Yaris wasn’t one of the affected models anyway but I wouldn’t be too freaked if it was.  Shut it off and coast- in the rare event the accelerator malfunctions.  I would be more worried about blowing out a tire and spinning out- a much more likely failure, yet no one is screaming about the tire companies, eh?