The last refuge of the insomniac- infomercials.  I don’t know exactly why, but most nights I  have to get up once or twice during the night to take a trip to the bathroom.  Sometimes I find it difficult to get that last three hours of sleep between 2AM (when my bladder routinely rudely awakens me) and 5AM when both the dogs and my bladder decide I need to get up for the rest of the day. 

Some of the worst dreck on TV is on between 2 and 5AM.  I have to say the prize winner for most hilarious infomercial is for the Post-T-Vac.  I insist that anyone who can get Medicare to pay for old men’s pecker pumps has got a racket going on.  I’m glad this one doesn’t air during the day.  I remember it was bad enough back in the ’80’s and 90’s when there would be douche commercials or hemorrhoid cream commercials during the Westerns on Sundays.  I don’t know if there is such a thing as an effective segue from John Wayne to Summer’s Eve.  It was interesting to find out that you can extinguish a match with a hemorrhoid cleaning pad though.

I like this product, as gross as it might seem- it’s a butt wipe holder.

 No more reaching around all that way to make the distance around one’s fat ass- and no more “brown finger blues!”  I should get this for Dad for his birthday.  He loves gag gifts.

Some of the worst things that end up in infomercial hell are exercise equipment.  My mother owns most of this dreck.  I am surprised Dad hasn’t cancelled cable just to keep her off of QVC, but then he enjoys TruTV and History Channel too much to do that.   She hasn’t lost an ounce, but then again to be fair the products have to at least be assembled to make an honest assessment of their efficacy.   She has an entire home gym in her basement- still in pieces, in the original boxes.  And as far as I can tell, her butt is still as big as ever.  So much for the Ass Master 5000 or whatever they’re calling it now. I’m just glad she didn’t order the Totally Nude Aerobics.  I’d give myself a concussion bouncing around like that without wearing a bra.  If I am going to bounce around like a banchee I can guarantee it is in everyone’s best interest that I cover all the important parts thoroughly when I do it.  I don’t want to burn the dogs’ retinas with that visual.

I look at it this way.  I’m cheap.  I certainly am not going to pay “three easy payments of $39.95” for what looks to be an artificial step and some straps.  I can run up and down the basement stairs until I can’t catch my breath for free.

The beauty enhancers are also hilarious, and Mom has quite a few of these scattered about her house in the original boxes also.  I think she still looks the same as she always did, plus or minus a few more white hairs.  She doesn’t look bad for sixty-four, but then again, I’m forty-one and really don’t care if anyone can see the scars and potholes on my legs.  I think of them as battle scars, because a lot of them are- results of my ongoing battle with poor coordination and falling and running into things.   If I’m that worried about it I can do one of two things very easily: wear pants, or wear opaque tights- which thankfully are back in style.

Sheena is not exactly a graceful dog.  In fact, Sheena has even worse coordination than I do, which I thought was impossible without the assistance of vast quantities of alcohol.  The dog’s not a drinker, she’s just an extreme klutz.  She also has a thing for getting up on the end table (Sheena is not a small dog- she is a GSD/Husky mix and at her last weigh-in was 65#) to look out the picture window in the living room, much as a cat would do.  I am surprised she hasn’t tipped it over or destroyed the blinds.  She’s tall enough to see out of the picture window without standing on anything, but for some reason she prefers her perch on the table.   I haven’t gotten a pic of her on the table-yet-but as you can tell from this pic, she’s a pretty good size.

Clara likes to look out the dining room window, but she has enough class to simply stand on her hind legs and rest her elbows on the sill.  She and Sheena are almost identical in size (Clara is slightly taller but not as long as Sheena) but Clara is deliberate and precise in her movement, almost graceful.  Sheena lumbers and stumbles.  I am not sure if this has to do with her previous neglect, or if it has to do with inbreeding, or if it is a combination of poor environment and shady genetics.   Clara (in the pic below) certainly didn’t have the greatest genetic luck of the draw either (she was born with an umbilical hernia, rear dew claws, and has no undercoat), but then again it is sad what we humans have done with certain dog breeds’ blood lines.  GSD’s in particular have some pretty horrible genetic diseases inherent to most bloodlines. 

I am thankful for many things today.  I am thankful that I have never considered Totally Nude Aerobics as an exercise alternative.  I am thankful that the PP Perfect is not a real product. 

I am really thankful that I don’t have to use a toilet that is attached to a trailer hitch.

I did it!  I can honestly say that I used the words “toilet” and “trailer hitch” together in a complete sentence!