False Bravado, Truck Nuts, and a Little Bit of Sanity Time

Tires and testicles.  Looks like double trouble to me.  A man had to have come up with the truck nut craze.  If I subscribed to Freudian psychology (which for the most part I don’t) I would say guys who have to put balls on their trucks feel their own packages to be inadequate.  In my opinion it seems that guys who have to put balls on their trucks are more likely to keep their own balls in their wives’ purses.

How many women put coochie lips or boobs on their cars?  ‘Nuff said.

Jerry is down at the campground all weekend to help Bob.  I am grateful for the quiet and sanity especially after the incident with his truck.  I hope they all question him about the drunk bump.

If Jerry’s going to drink beer and act like an ass, I prefer him to be down there rather than pestering the hell out of me.  Upon leaving he mentioned taking bluegrass and country tapes.  I am glad not to have to endure his musical tastes as mean as that might sound.  He can get drunk to Willie Nelson all weekend, while I catch up on some much needed sleep and assorted recreational activities in peace.

I know Jerry feels bad because Bob has colon cancer and is facing surgery next week.  The pisser is that Jerry getting drunk is no help for Bob’s situation.  If Jerry wants to be a good friend perhaps staying sober and acting like an adult might be a better plan.

I should go to Cincinnati for my nephew’s birthday party Sunday but we shall see.  I am pretty worn out and fried.  It seems like it takes all my effort just to go to work and try to maintain.

Trolling Through the MP3s, The Agony of Middle Age, and a Remarkable Lack of Remorse

I might also add, unwilling to produce documents to verify that he is indeed a native born citizen and therefore eligible to hold the office of President.  How arrogant can you get?  I have to show my driver’s license and sign all kinds of crap just to buy farking Claritin-D.  No, I am not buying Claritin-Ds because I’m running a meth lab.  I simply like breathing from time to time-as Borat might say, breathing is nice, but I still have to show my driver’s license and follow the rules if I want Claritin-Ds. Why does he think he’s above the rest of us plebes?  If you want to be President of the US, you should have the documentation to prove you are a natural born citizen.  If you aren’t able to prove that (or if you already know you were NOT born in this country) you are not eligible to run, let alone to be sworn in.  It’s in the Constitution, for those who might not be terribly familiar with that document.

Even Ted Kennedy pretended to be sorry when they found Mary Jo dead in his submerged Oldsmobile.   Even Teddy showed up with a neck brace and all, trying to feign innocence while he and everyone else knew he was guilty as hell.  Obama doesn’t even pretend to be remorseful or even willing to admit when he’s wrong.  He simply defies the law with a seething contempt, as if anyone would dare to thwart his almighty will.   This dude is bad news and the sooner he is out of office the better.

Ok, few things are guaranteed to piss me off more than Obama and his pomposity, but I have been too focused on politics lately.  So I decided to  troll through my vast collection of MP3’s to arrange some handy playlists for my new MP3 player (the 8GB Sansa Fuze.) So far I am delighted with it as it is more user friendly and has more storage than the old one.  Of course my music collection is rather dated- most of it is 1985 or older- and the artists range from Carly Simon to Metallica. I do have a few newer items but not too many.  I think Journey’s Revelation is the newest material I have (2008) so I am not entirely relegated to the 80’s.

Few things seem more disjointed to me than going from Metallica to Handel’s Messiah but it’s all on there and if I hit random I get some strange combos.

I need another road trip.  I also need to go get that wade pool from Kathy.  See what I mean about disjointed thoughts?

Geezers Driving Buicks, Dumb Ass Strikes Again, and Frailties

Maybe it’s mean of me to rub it in, but how damned dumb can you get?  I still can’t believe Jerry was dumb enough to attempt to wash his truck when he was too drunk to speak intelligibly.  Next time I go to my church group I will have to confiscate his keys.

There used to be a long standing joke with the guys at the Buick dealers. 

 “How did the Century get its name?” 

“It’s the average age of the drivers. ”

The sad thing about most jokes is that they are based on a grain of truth.  It seems every time I go up to Marion I see them everywhere- little old white-haired geezers driving Buick Centurys.  I know, geezers tend to like Camrys too, but then again so do cops.  I remember dealing with a lot of cops.  Among those cops who prefer Toyotas, it’s either Camrys or 4Runners. Go figure.

You know you’re in trouble when you go into a car dealership and there’s a defibrillator in the service waiting area.  Either the clientele is antique or the rates are outrageous, or maybe it’s how the geezers react to outrageous repair bills.  Then again, when you’re 85 you really don’t have much better to do than to languish in the Buick dealer’s customer lounge, swilling their day-old coffee and falling asleep in the plastic chairs while Oprah is blaring on the cheap 13 inch TV that is hanging from the wall.   It would stand to reason that the Grim Reaper will will find you regardless if you are falling asleep to Oprah at home, or at Smilin’ Bob’s Buick.   The only difference is that if you drop dead at the Buick dealer it makes them look bad, sort of like the other day when I saw an EMS truck parked in front of Wendy’s.  EMS drivers have to eat sometime, don’t they?  Or maybe some unfortunate geezer’s number came up just as they were diving in to a steaming cup of Wendy’s chili.  Either way no one really wants to equate Wendy’s with medical emergencies that require the EMS any more than the Buick dealers want anyone to equate sudden death with waiting in their service department.   I know when my number’s up I really hope to be asleep in my own bed.  The sad part is that I will probably die alone and no one will find me until my carcass has been stripped by my dogs and cats, but that’s a whole other subject.

I don’t believe in hanging around waiting for my car to get fixed.  I have no patience for that noise.  I’d rather drop it off and let them notify me when it’s done and when I can come and get it.  When I was a service director I never liked having customers wait on cars for a number of reasons.  First of all having someone wandering about waiting puts pressure on the tech to fix it fast which means he might not address possible upsell opportunities.  This is probably the best reason to put the customer in a rental car or give him/her a ride to work.  If the tech has it all day he is more likely to be more thorough in his assessment of possible upsells and the customer is more likely to approve upsells which means no rescheduling.  Why not get everything done while the car’s already on the rack?   I  also don’t have to worry about babysitting that person either as they troll about the showroom or worse, they come back to the shop to pester advisors or techs.  The worst thing a customer can do is keep coming back to the advisor every ten minutes asking, “is it done yet?”  Believe me, we want you out of that waiting room, sweetheart, and we will be the first to come and get you when it’s ready to go. 

I’m glad I don’t work in dealerships anymore.  There were fun things about it but I freely admit I can’t handle the stress.  I do miss the fact that I could get my car detailed for free and maintenance services done for the cost of parts and a 12 pack of brews though.  Techs are generally easily bribed with malt beverages. 

Which brings me back to Jerry’s dumb ass incident.  I wonder how much this little faux pas is going to cost him?  I still can’t believe he had the balls to blame me ostensibly because I wasn’t there to protect him from himself.   As if I can?  When he’s wasted the Drunk and Stupid has an evil life of its own.  You can’t tell him shit.  I was home when (in a booze fueled blaze of stupidity) he decided it was a good idea to start a fire in the fireplace with gasoline.  I refused to “help” him by getting the gas can for him so he did it himself. 

I know we all have our frailties- I could write a rather tawdry tome if I were to recall every stupid thing I’ve ever done, but come on.  53 going on two.  He might have gained himself some attention but I guarantee it’s not the kind of attention he wants!

The Gravitas of a Popcorn Fart, Free Bread and Circuses, and Blessings in Disguise


Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one.  If I knew to who I should attribute this pithy tidbit of wisdom I would, but since I don’t, I will simply acknowledge its simple truth and relevance. This being said, I know in the scheme of things my opinion has the impact and the gravitas of a popcorn fart.  This isn’t false humility, it’s reality.  I care what I think, but I’m probably the only one who does.

To say that I despise the corruption, graft and just plain wrong direction of the current government from the naked emperor on down is an understatement.  It seems so painfully obvious to me that Obama and company are in it simply for their own personal powergrabs- to undermine private industry and demonize it so that the government can take  over.  Socialism by farce is nothing new under the sun.  If I recall correctly, Adolf Hitler did the same thing.  

Whenever I hear of His Arrogance (Obama) wanting to lay down even more punitive taxation on private industry to fund his faux utopian programs,  I keep coming back to the state provision of  free bread and circuses that contributed to the downfall of the Roman Empire. The resources and wealth of the Empire were squandered in appeasing and entertaining the masses rather than providing for an infrastructure and a common defense.  Sound familiar?  Road-building and maintaining a military are the primary reasons for the existence of the federal government according to the Constitution.  The last time I checked, there was nothing in the Constitution that either provided for the establishment of a nanny state, or stated that the nanny state has to pay for some 70 year old impotent geezer to get a free pecker pump- but they do!

While Obama is playing footsie with dictators (behind closed doors and conveniently beyond the camera’s eye to boot) and sucking up to Muslim despots, our national defense languishes.  Soldiers in combat have to abide by ridiculous rules of engagement that give foreign terrorists more rights and advantages than the soldiers themselves.   Since when does the tail wag the dog?  Civil trials for terrorists who are NOT American citizens and whose nations of origin reject even the  humanitarian provisions of the Geneva Convention?  I think NOT. 

American citizens who were supposedly born under the protection of the Constitution end up having their rights usurped by a wanna be dictator in the Oval office and a Congress who doesn’t give a rat’s ass about anything other than sucking up to the Obamanation himself and therefore preserving their own hides.   (until November that is, unless the Democrats can dig up enough dead people to vote them back in.)

Yes, this stuff pisses me off to no end.  I don’t hold Republicans blameless- they bent over and played the PC card to the wacked out left’s advantage, but there could be a blessing in disguise if enough people wake up.  If enough people demand to keep what they earn, if enough people have the courage to take care of themselves instead of expecting the government to be the all-knowing, all-powerful nanny, then perhaps we might get our country back.

The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding – Other Mammals Seem to Get It Just Fine

So how many three year olds are still breast feeding?  Does the Ohio Department of Health think that I should still be breast feeding my almost 19 year old?  I hope not because he does seem to have a pathological preoccupation with boobs to begin with.

That would be more than a little creepy.  If they are old enough to ask for it they are old enough to eat a McDouble like everyone else.

I understand all too well the advantages of breast feeding an infant– if you’re poor, but not poor enough to have the government give you baby formula for free, breast feeding is the only way to go, at least until the kid gets teeth and can eat normal food like everyone else.  This seemed to work just fine for Steve-o for the first four months or so. (Not three years or however old the toddler is in the picture on the original billboard!)  It amazes me that other mammals seem to get the whole “these teats are here for nursing” bit just fine, but we humans seem to have a problem with it.  Animals also know when it’s time to wean.  Dogs cut off their pups as soon as they get teeth.  Makes sense to me.

Either new mothers are wigged out with the idea of a tiny human hanging off their nipple for fifteen minutes or so every other hour for four to six months, or they don’t make milk for whatever reason, or they just plain don’t want to bother.  For the life of me I can’t understand failing to breast feed your newborn if you are capable, even if your only goal in it is to save a ton of money.   Formula is incredibly expensive for those of us who have to actually pay cash for it.   Supposedly the kid gets sick less often which helps avoid constant doctor visits.   Even if you have a hard time abiding having the kid hanging on you all the time you can get a (n) (electric) breast pump and just milk yourself (doesn’t that sound creepy.. but it’s really not that bad) so someone else can feed the kid later.   I can say Steve-o was healthier than most infants although I don’t know if breast feeding was the sole reason for that.   If you actually just have the kid latch on and go at it, it also saves the hassle of sterilizing bottles and nipples.     You can breast feed discretely if you need to- just toss a blanket over and nobody sees anything.  It’s not rocket science, because newborns have the same rooting reflex that puppies, kittens, piglets, etc. have.  A newborn will figure out what to do with the teat- namely put it in his mouth and chew on it…apparently the male of the species never grows out of that reflex, but I digress.

It is a good thing that the government is encouraging breast feeding- it saves the taxpayers money after all and it’s a lot healthier for infants as long as their moms stay off crack and all that.  One disadvantage of breast feeding is that you do have to eat with some regard to health and you can’t be drunk and high the whole time.

I like that.