Things that Suck #501- The Fridge Took a Dump, and #502- Drunken Assholes Smoking in My Car

No, as much as I like the pink fridge, I can’t afford it, and Jerry would crap himself should he have to retrieve his Natties from this.  However, I don’t even think a pink fridge would stand between him and Nattyvana.

The beautiful Central Ohio area just went through a week’s worth of apocalyptic storms followed by interminable stygian heat.  Yesterday wasn’t quite as intolerable as the rest of the week, so I decided I would go to the campground party knowing that if worse came to worse there is AC in our cabin as well as in my car.

It was hot- and I didn’t stay in it too long, but I stayed long enough to munch on some fresh perch (believe it or not, Lake Erie perch is quite nice) and to sit around and shoot the shit for a bit.

Perch is good eating.  Lightly breaded and deep fried.  Mmm, mmm.

By the time I left the campground it had been a nice afternoon, though rather subdued.  Jerry had gotten his drink on pretty good Saturday night, so he was more quiet than usual.  He wasn’t able to get shitfaced yesterday because he had to drive his truck home,  which was fine with me because that meant I didn’t have to deal with driving Tipsy McNumbNuts home.  I live for the small victories.  Attempting to drive 40 miles with a babbling drunken smoking idiot flopping about in the car is most unpleasant, trust me.  It was worse when he and his (now) estranged buddy Terry used to get shitfaced and then demand I take them home at 1 AM.

Joy and rapture.

Paarrtty!!!!!  YEAH, DUDE!

Two drunken idiots, running their mouths, flopping about, smoking, waving around their lit cigarettes (intentionally or not, threatening to burn holes in the upholstery, each other or me) in one car.  I’m surprised neither one of them managed to visit cousin Ralph in my car, though they both came close.  Puke smell does NOT ever come out of car upholstery.  Neither does cat piss, which is why my mother should learn to roll up the windows on her van, but that’s another story.  I would be happy to find an effective method to keep Jerry from thinking the first thing he needs to do when he sits down in my car is light up.

I used to smoke in the car when I smoked- a lot- but by the grace of God I’ve been 10 years without lighting up myself, and now I really despise my car smelling like his ashtray.  I get him back for it though.  Since I love strong scents- they have to be strong or I can’t smell them anyway- I try to find the absolute strongest air fresheners I can find.  One of my favorites is the Chanel #5 knock-off cologne from the Dollar Store.  It probably smells like insecticide to normal people, but with my very limited sense of smell it actually smells somewhat like Chanel.  Jerry hates it even though he knows that’s his punishment for smoking in my car and leaving that god-awful smell in it as well as ashing all over it.  Jerry is not a neat smoker.  Imagine someone with tremor disorder who’s drunker than a monkey with a lit cigarette.  My car actually becomes his ashtray.

I know I smoked for years, but it’s a nasty gross habit.

So I arrive home blissfully un-stressed from a peaceful drive home- just me, the AC on full blast, and Metallica on full blast.  I go take a shower and put on some lounge clothes.  Then I go to the fridge to get some iced tea (strong, no sweetener, and a bit of lemon) only to grab the ice tray and get another shower.  Everything in the fridge freezer had melted- ice cream, (there’s a bloody disaster for you) ice cubes, previously frozen vegetables, and so forth.  Damn, damn, damn.  The irony of this is that the power never went out, the AC unit is (knock on Formica or whatever the hell that stuff is) holding tough and the cable is on.  The chest freezer is plugging away quite nicely, as is Jerry’s small beer fridge out in the foyer.  But the main fridge- the side-by-side 30 year old behemoth fridge that takes up half my kitchen, took a major puke.

I had to move the beer to save the food. Sorry about your luck.

Guess who’s got some warm Natties.

So, because I’m poor and he’s cheap, Jerry gets on Craig’s List looking for a fridge.  There were crazy people wanting $1000 for used fridges- granted they were the high faluting stainless steel ones with the drinky fountains and the ice makers and wine chests and so forth but if I’m going to spend that kind of scratch I want a new one with a warranty.  So Jerry keeps looking and happens upon a nice simple used fridge for $100- about 45 miles away.  I call the guy and tell him I’ll be there in about an hour.  When I get there the fridge is still plugged in, nice and cold.  I gladly gave the dude the money- it’s older, but a nice, clean working fridge- and he and his buddy get the fridge loaded up in Jerry’s truck.

Jerry, of course stayed home in bed, because he’s helpful like that, while I drive off to see some strange people who could potentially be serial killers, who I never met before in my life, in the dead of night, to conduct business.  I knew the neighborhood (not terribly far from where I grew up) and it was in a nicer area than where I grew up, otherwise I would not have taken the risk, (the people turned out to be most personable and cordial also) but sometimes you never know.  I arrived home with the fridge around 11:30 last night, but I did not attempt to remove it from the back of the truck in the dark by myself.  He will regret not helping me unload it last night- tonight when he has no cold beer- but tough titty.  I could care less about beer, so I moved it out to save the milk and cheese.  It’s not as if Natty is going to taste any worse warm.

Does temperature really count for much when you’re drinking canned horse piss?

Today Jerry is supposed to accomplish two things.  One is to remove the old behemoth fridge from the kitchen.  I cleaned it out- at least the big pieces and anything that might rot and stink- so the scrap guy (who is always scrounging for used refrigerators, working or not) can do what he will with it.  The other is to get the fridge I acquired last night in the kitchen plugged in and running.   Let’s see how he does with his assignment.  I have a feeling I am going to be very sore in the morning after I drag these appliances where they need to go by myself.

I get to move this son-of-a-bitch all by myself!

4 thoughts on “Things that Suck #501- The Fridge Took a Dump, and #502- Drunken Assholes Smoking in My Car

  1. I wish I knew you were giving away a fridge. My kids have been looking for a new play fort for a while, and we could’ve used that.

    I hate the way a car smells after someone’s smoked in it. Like you, I quit about ten years ago, but before that I ALWAYS smoked in my car.

    Natty Light. I don’t even know where to start. First of all, light beer is the devil’s brew. Why does light beer even exist? If you’re on a diet (and Jerry’s a dude, so I’ll bet he’s not), don’t drink. If you’re not on a diet, drink decent beer! I can’t drink a lot any more, so when i do drink, I try to drink good stuff.

    I used to be able to drink any time and still function pretty normally. Now, if I have a drink, it has to be in the evening, or my day is over. In college, I would think nothing of going to a sunrise kegger. Now, even the thought gives me the shakes.

    You have a cabin on Lake Erie? How cool is that? I don’t eat fish (and except when I lived in Portland for a year and a half, I’ve never lived more than 30 miles from the ocean!), but if I did, I wouldn’t start with Erie fish. Doesn’t the Cuyahoga flow around there somewhere?

  2. You wouldn’t have wanted your kids to play in that fridge even with the doors removed for safety. After 12 years in my kitchen and especially after the latest meltdown it was downright toxic. The scrap guy hauled it off with great delight though. The scrap guy and his son were nice enough to get the replacement fridge out of the truck and put it in the kitchen in exchange for getting my old non-working one for free. So I didn’t have to move it myself! The replacement is in place and keeping my ice frozen and Jerry’s Natties cold quite nicely as of this morning. I hate buying a used fridge- in case it takes a dump too- but I just don’t have the $$$ for a new one. I hope it lasts awhile.

    No, I can’t afford a cabin on the lake. I wish though. Better yet, a boat on the lake. Our campground is actually south of Columbus, a private good ol’ boy redneck club in rural Fairfield County, which is about 200 miles from Lake Erie. It is in the Hocking Hills, which are both beautiful- though the only fishing spot we have is a small bluegill pond- and inexpensive. The campground is right next to a minimum security prison, which might be one of the reasons why membership is so reasonable. Even so, it’s a nice out of the way place. One of the guys who comes down to the campground goes fishing quite a bit up at the lake and usually brings back a few coolers of perch fillets for the big cookouts. I do like me some perch. 🙂 You live next to the ocean but don’t do fish? Strange.

    It is true the Cuyahoga River (Cleveland) caught fire in 1969, but since then there has been a concerted effort to clean up the Cuyahoga and the Great Lakes, especially Lake Erie. Fish from Lake Erie are as safe as any wild caught fish from Ohio waters, (eating them once or twice a week or less is fine but one should not eat wild caught fish every day because of the mercury content) but to be fair if you want to be 100% safe with fish you get farm raised. Aquaculture is big business in Ohio- tilapia, catfish, bass- since we are so far from the ocean. True seafood- salt water fish- is generally expensive and poor quality here, but the farm raised catfish is awesome. Walleye and saugeye are other wild caught fresh water fish that are good eating too but they are harder to come by.

    I scratch my head on Jerry’s taste for formaldehyde- I think that’s actually what’s in Natties. I always believed when I could drink that it was better to take the freeway – get drunk on liquor- than it was to meander through the ghetto – quaffing Natties or Schaefer Lites- on my way there. And no, Jerry isn’t on any kind of diet save for the “See Food” type. I have no idea how he stays at 180# with all that bacon he eats.

  3. Yeah, I know the fish thing is strange. I have such an aversion to fish that I used to tell people it was an allergy. It’s that bad. However, I’m trying not to pass my prejudices on to my kids, because, as I’m sure you know, fish is super good for you.

  4. Fish is healthy- as long as you are aware of where it comes from, and you know not to eat it too often if it’s wild caught. But I love fish- fresh water, salt water, shell fish, even calamari. The pisser is that where I live my most economical, fresh and healthy fish option is farm raised- so I eat a lot of catfish and tilapia. Fresh perch from the lake is a rare and delightful treat for me as I get it maybe twice a year. Hopefully your kids will at least try some sort of seafood. Steve-o will eat walleye, catfish and he loves calamari. But he won’t eat mushrooms because he is grossed out at the thought of eating “fungus grown in cowshit.” I adore mushrooms. I’ve watched “Circle of Poo.” I know yesterday’s shit is tomorrow’s mushroom. Big deal.

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