Perhaps I should have some sort of identification/ warning attached to Jerry when he makes his forays out in public.

It must be fortuitous for the greater community that I usually get stuck running Jerry’s errands for him.  I am normally the one who ends up having to go to Speedway (gas station/convenience store) to get his smokes and to put gasoline in his truck.  That is a bit more complicated than it sounds.

 Speedway has a promotional program in which you earn points for buying gift cards (buy a $50 gift card, get 1000 points, then turn around and buy a $43 carton of smokes with it…) as well as for buying gasoline and the various convenience store crud they sell, such as Monster drinks and “Busted” papers.  Sometimes it’s a tad bit complicated to instruct the young punk clerk du jour on how to  1.) scan your Speedy card, then 2.)  take your cash in exchange for the gift card, then 3.) use the gift card to buy the carton of smokes.  If the order gets screwed up in any way you don’t get your 1000 points for buying the gift card.

When you earn enough points, you can redeem them for various free crap, like a $50 gas card, or an Amazon gift card, or whatever’s on the list.  Jerry’s whole aim in this is to get a $50 gas card.

If he gets 1000 points per $50 card he buys, and he doesn’t buy anything except $50 gift cards,  he’s got to spend $2425 to get a “free” card.

Not the Golden Ticket, but close.

Anyway, Jerry does know to check the receipt to make sure he got his 1000 points.  The last time he went to Speedway to get his own smokes (I don’t know what possessed him to take this brazen step of self-sufficiency, but something must have) he forgot to have the clerk scan the Speedy card first, so the points didn’t appear on the receipt.

Ordinarily, in most places the clerk or the manager on duty can back out the transaction and let it fly again, but this kid was either new or having a bad day or both, and basically told Jerry tough titty, better luck next time, the money was already on the gift card and since the Speedy card wasn’t scanned first, he wasn’t going to get any points.

Jerry is one of those people who refuses to take “no” for an answer.

I’m just glad I wasn’t there to witness this personally.

So the clerk (who is probably not terribly thrilled with Jerry’s condescending demeanor and/or gratuitous whining by now) tersely informs Jerry that the manager won’t be in until Monday (this was a Saturday night) and that he could come back then and take it up with the manager.  Jerry refuses to take the $50 card and demands his money back so he can go to the other Speedway to buy the card and get his points.

The clerk refused again.  So let the pissing contest begin.

Jerry doesn’t lose too many of those.  He’s embarrassed me in enough restaurants that he’s almost guaranteed a home-cooked meal.  I generally know how to fix his chow to avoid most of the bitching.  He’s probably one of the fussiest, bitchiest customers the Waffle House and the Frisch’s Big Boy have ever seen.

If I had to wager, I would bet he has consumed his fair share of boogers, loogies, scabs and semen, considering how rude he can be with wait staff.  “I want those fries flaming hot!”  I can hear him now.  Flaming hot with a sprinkling of scabs and a splash of bodily fluids… hawwkkkk…but I’m the passive-aggressive one.  It’s easier to feed him at home so that others are not treated to his egregious lack of manners and proper etiquette.

No wonder they cringe at the Waffle House when they see his truck.  The silver Tacoma of Rude!

Then I get a phone call from Jerry while he’s at the Speedway asking me for the non-emergency cop number.  It’s a good thing he didn’t call the number I gave him, because he was in a different jurisdiction than the number he asked for.  Around here, if you’re outside of the area covered by a particular law enforcement agency, that means the dispatcher will tell you that’s not their problem and to call the other jurisdiction, and no, she doesn’t know who to tell you to call if the address you give is not in her area.

In other words, if you’re in the city of Columbus and you call Gahanna’s dispatch, you are SOL, which is what he would have done because he didn’t realize which jurisdiction he was in.  911 doesn’t work like that- dialing 911 will  (almost always) get you the correct dispatch, but you better know which jurisdiction you’re in if you call the non-emergency numbers.

Some things were never meant to be taken up with law enforcement.  They have enough to do.

I’m thinking to myself,  Are you really going to call the cops – even on the non-emergency number- for something kinda dumb like this?  For a moment I thought of World’s Dumbest and the guy who got arrested for calling 911 because his sandwich sucked and the restaurant wouldn’t give him a refund.  I am thankful Jerry didn’t get cops involved.

At that point, Jerry decides to stage a one man sit-in at the Speedway until the clerk got in contact with the manager, who told the clerk to give Jerry his $50 back, and instructed the clerk to tell Jerry to never set foot in that store again.

Banned from the Morse Rd. Speedway.  While sober.  Truth is indeed stranger than fiction.  To his credit, Jerry did go to the other Speedway and he remembered to have the clerk follow the correct procedure so he finally got his points, his gift card and his smokes.

Jerry and the Silver Tacoma of Rude- coming to a convenience store or one star dining establishment near you!