I don’t know where to begin except to say that my heart is not an eloquent speaker. It usually leaves me stammering, without words. It compels me to avert my eyes, to turn away and run. I’ve loved and been rejected, passed over, mocked, and ignored too many times to be willing to risk the shame. I have lost faith in the empty words of others.
I hide behind a number of shields- sarcasm, cynicism, and flat out apathy. I laugh to hide my sorrow. I wax sarcastic to mask my disappointment. I criticize because I find it hard to envision and work toward a different reality. I pretend I just don’t care, when I care more than I probably should.
I don’t truly trust anyone. I want to, but I don’t know how to set my fear aside.
I want to speak of love- I know there is a connection there- but I am afraid. I am afraid I am deceiving myself. I am afraid that the one I love will simply mock me and dismiss me (which would be more kind than what others have done) or take advantage of my weaknesses. I’ve heard empty promises and false declarations designed to win favors from me- and I’ve been lured in by them.
I’ve been physically, emotionally, spiritually and financially abused. I allowed all of the former to happen in the name of love. I continue to allow all the above out of fear of abandonment.
I need to connect with someone to whom I can bare my soul. Someone who would be willing to listen to the rage, frustration, angst and sorrow that is choking and killing me. Someone who would be strong enough to stand and who would care enough about a wretched specimen like me to do so. Someone who fills in the pieces that are missing- or in my case, were probably never wired in.
I know only one person on this earth who even comes close to this description and I’m the one who’s afraid to reach out.
I know what I need to say. I know who I need to say it to. But I am so afraid.