Wading My Way Through Boredom, Apathy and Stygian Heat

Maybe apathy is the wrong word.  I do care, but only about certain things.  Staying remotely cooled off is one of those things, and I had a hard enough time with that over the winter.  I don’t know what I am going to do when summer brings 90+ degree days for days at a time.  Obviously staying in the A/C is a must already. 

A bit of perspective here though.  I might have had better temperature regulation this time last year, but compared to Aunt Flo and her curse a few hot flashes are really no big deal.   Breaking my arm was like getting a mosquito bite compared to suffering through the curse-  it was that bad- especially in the few months before my surgery.  Even if I had to sit in the freezer (and I have contemplated it) to stop sweating for a moment,  dealing with the heat  is better than dealing with everything associated with Aunt Flo and her agonies.  Menopause doesn’t last forever but I wish it would hurry up and get over with, at least the hot flash part of it.

I’ve never been the outdoors type.  I appreciate the beauty of nature, I really do, but heat, bugs, dirt and all that sort of spoil the mystique for me.  I love swimming- but since I scorch something wicked in the sun, sometimes even in spite of the Factor 50, and I detest unauthorized insect life, I’ve always preferred an indoor pool even when weather conditions allow outdoor swimming.  If I go to an indoor pool I don’t have to worry about third degree burns on my face and shoulders nor do I have to worry about swarming insects that manage to end up in the pool water with me.  When I was a little kid I had a pathological fear of flying insects (probably because my sisters liked to throw live stinging insects in my hair for shits and giggles) that I have not fully recovered from.  I hate bees and wasps and any other potentially dangerous flying insects.  I don’t like anyone or anything touching my hair at all.  It takes a lot of restraint to let someone cut my hair.  I hate the thought of anything sticking in my hair especially if it is a live insect, a booger, or anything other than hair.  I had way too much gross stuff land in my hair when I was a child apparently. It didn’t help that I had thick, straight, long hair that went past my butt for several years, then I had spiral-permed big hair after that.  I like having my hair nice and short like it is now as there is less surface area for unauthorized gross things to land in.

My idea of camping is  have at least an RV with an air conditioner, flush toilet, shower and kitchen.  I had enough of primitive camping in Girl Scouts when you had to sleep in tents and use latrines that were infested with spiders and Lord only knows what other foul critters.   I had nightmares about getting bitten on the butt by a snake or something trying to use one of those nasty latrines.  That would be my luck, although I was smarter than the girl that ended up in the hospital because she wiped with poison ivy.  Rumor had it she had to have a catheter in for a week just so she could pee.  The Girl Scouts teach you, “leaves of three, let them be,” for a reason.   I never liked the idea of substituting leaves for toilet paper to begin with.  If I must drop and squat outside I will consider myself fortunate if I keep from peeing all over my pants and I really won’t worry so much about drip-drying for a moment or two, or getting a drop or two in the pants.  Guys should be thankful they can do trucker bombs from the privacy of their own driver’s seat.   I hate to break it to the unenlightened, but that yellow stuff you see in that soda bottle along the freeway is most certainly NOT Mountain Dew.  Unless of course the Mountain Dew is used.

Poison ivy is yet another reason for me to avoid the great outdoors.  I have found that if you know you’ve gotten into it and you wash immediately with dish soap (dish soap is primarily a degreaser) that it will take the oil that causes the allergic reaction off your skin and you won’t break out.  I don’t like taking chances with it though, because when I get it, I get it wicked bad and usually end up having to get a shot to get rid of it which of course, sucks.

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