Well, well. I guess I shouldn’t combine my loathing of superfluous body hair, intimate knowledge of what flashpoint fires do to hair, and something I saw on an episode of Dirty Jobs.  Maybe with a bit of modification to the cow torch pictured here I can burn it off.  I’d have never believed that cow udders grew hair, let alone that dairy farmers remove said unwanted udder hair with a freaking propane torch until I saw that episode of  Dirty Jobs.  Why didn’t I think about the torching option earlier to remove my own superfluous and unattractive body hair?   I know torching is effective not only from the carburetor adjusting incident (my eyebrows were completely gone for almost three days, which is a feat right there) but also from Jerry’s drunken fun adventure with Wild Turkey, gasoline and the fireplace.  Anyway, I think the only thing keeping me from the torching option is a natural fear of open flame, but it does work on the cows.  Maybe someone could modify the torch to a tiny butane flame (similar to a lighter) you could torch at least the unibrow and perhaps other unsightly hair on the facial area with.  Just a thought.

Oh, and it’s probably not a good idea to flame clip around your cat either. 

I am wondering about Jerry again this morning.  Here in beautiful Central Ohio winter has descended upon us with a ferocity we seldom see this early in December.  It was 13 degrees (yes, I’m American, so it’s Fahrenheit- I’m only good with metric measurements as they pertain to nuts and bolts and things that are installed on cars) this morning which is way too bloody cold even for me.  My hands freeze and crack and bleed when it’s that cold even when I wear gloves outside.  I have plenty of Aquaphor but I’m just not that anxious to get back to slathering it on and wearing my white cotton gloves all night.   Anyway it is apparently not a good idea to try to put on your Carhartts you bought last July at a garage sale when you’re “Weekend at Bernie’s” shitfaced at 11PM.  I think he just doesn’t have the dexterity in his hands and/or the ability to stay still long enough  to fasten the straps that hold the bib up.  I know he doesn’t have this ability when drunk.  Perhaps if he tries to don the overalls while sober it might work better for him.  I don’t think they are missing any pieces but I will double check them tonight.  I am not going to dress a grown man.  He will have to get by with long johns and a parka if he can’t figure the Carhartts out.  I can’t seem to get the scene from “A Christmas Story” out of my mind.  Every time I picture Jerry trying to get those Carhartts on I see Ralphie in the snow suit, unable to put his arms down.  It’s cute when a seven or eight year old kid is trapped in a snow suit, but downright pathetic to envision a 53 year old man being held hostage by a snow suit.  If it’s that damned cold, stay inside.  Whatever you wanted to do outside can wait.  Until it warms up.  Sometime in May.

I am not his mother and I am NOT dressing him.

Today has brought its share of snitty wankers.  I wonder if it’s the cold or just the overall depressing holiday season.  You go into a store and of course everyone is in there and they are in no hurry.  As Murphy’s Law would have it the one thing I need to purchase is behind the two old biddies yakking it up about their hemorrhoids and cold sores, I am already running behind, and when I finally retrieve the item I need and make my way to the line I get the “team member trainee.”  Take it from experience, anyplace that calls their employees anything other than employees- “associates,” “team members,” “support staff,” etc. is a shitty place to work for.  Avoid working for these places like the plague if you can.  It’s the same logic behind calling a turd “fecal matter.”  “Fecal matter” sounds more important and polite than “lump of shit,” but in the end it’s still going to be treated like a lump of shit.  Anyway, by the time I get through the line I’m running late and by then I’m feeling like Target should be paying me for training their help.   Usually I am very satisfied with Target, but it’s the holidays and all the stores suck right now.  I’m just glad the “team member trainee” spoke English as a first language.  Had she been foreign on top of being new and still learning (not her fault- and to her credit she did a good job for it being her first day) I’d probably blown my volatile, misanthropic, Type A personality, stack.

I don’t see me living to get old.  But then again, pissy, impatient old people were my age once. 

There.  Now I feel better.