Trying to Fend Off Despair (and Failing Miserably)


I need something good to happen to me.  I need someone to say or do something nice or barring that, at least for the surrounding assholes to leave me the hell alone.  I’d settle for the second choice.

Then it hits me- I never had any faith in human nature to begin with, so why should other people’s assholery piss me off so much?

Optimism is a lost cause and I don’t need to be taking it up at this point in my life.

The observation that optimism is a lost cause is actually a bit freeing.  I know better than to expect nothing but assholery from other specimens of the human race, so I shouldn’t let it get me down when I become the community shit box for surrounding humanity.   It does wear me out when I am the object of misuse and derision, but the bad behavior of others, and being treated unfairly by others should never surprise me.   It’s the ongoing narrative of my life as far back as I can remember.  Why do I think that’s going to change now?


If I suck so bad, then why am I still taking up valuable oxygen?

If I didn’t still have that vestigial old-school Catholic fear of suicide being a mortal sin, and a very real fear of screwing it up and failing to get the job done, I’d seriously consider blowing my head off.

I’m really trying to believe that I have some purpose and value in this life but I’m sick as hell of being the community cat box.    I’m tired of living with a drunken obnoxious old goat with a limp dick who constantly bitches up one side and down the other at me and my shortcomings both real and imagined, but doesn’t lift a finger to help himself.

I’m simply tired of living. It just sucks too much.


I want to believe that God has a purpose for my life but it’s getting really hard to believe it’s anything good.   I guess someone has to take other people’s shit, because that seems to be the only purpose I serve.  Smile and take it.

I’ve said it before- there are people out there with things to live for.  Why can’t God do an exchange and let them have the time I don’t want?  Why can’t I just go to sleep and not wake up?

2 thoughts on “Trying to Fend Off Despair (and Failing Miserably)

  1. “LIKED” for the writing, not the sentiment. I hope something has happened to brighten up your day. Although I’m generally an optimist, I know that when the shit piles up, it sometimes piles really high. It sometimes seems like everything bad happens at once, or even worse, comes in a rapid succession of blows.

    Whether it’s Catholic latency or just good sense, I’m glad you’re hesitant about “blowing {your} head off.” It’s so terrible when someone’s life ends that way.

    Is there anyone you can talk to? In your church maybe? And I imagine you’ve told your husband how you feel, and how you’re feeling ground down, but if you haven’t, it’s something he needs to hear.

    Lastly, I think that anybody who believes they have a purpose DOES have a purpose. Having said that, I’m not sure I’m any closer to determining mine than you are yours.

  2. Thanks, Smak- I needed that. There’s a lot of shit that hit the fan yesterday and it touched upon certain buttons that just about guarantee a melt down. I need to reevaluate a lot of things in my life – especially what I let other people get away with- and I need to do it without being impulsive and without just letting myself go right back into another depressive episode. It’s not worth it.

    Jerry has deeper issues than mine and generally isn’t a lot of help, but I have let him (gradually) know that he has to take more financial responsibility as well as some responsibility for his own care. It’s an uphill battle. I have made it a point to maintain activities that are positive and that reinforce my own physical and mental health as best as I can.

    On the more morbid side of things though, (the mortal sin concept aside) the idea of Steve-o turning my dead carcass into a coffee table (he knows some taxidermists) does have a deterrent effect. I can just imagine the conversation from his friends: “Awesome, dude! Who’s the dead chick?”
    The thought of Steve-o and his friends using my corpse for someplace to plant their ashtrays and Jager bombs, well, that’s enough to give me serious pause.

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