I don’t understand the male fascination with bacon. Bacon is one of those things that I can eat- in small quantities- but I generally don’t because it is always greasy, and generally always disgustingly salty. It’s fine crumbled up in potato soup but that’s about it. Salt and grease are generally not items one wants in the diet in any kind of quantity. Dogs like bacon too, but they are generally not known for having great culinary requirements. Any creature who will dine on carrion and dumpster droppings generally is not reliable as a food critic. George Carlin once questioned, (in reference to cats and “gourmet” cat food, but the principle still applies,) “How many gourmets lick their own ass?”
When Steve-o, the illustrious Precious Only Male Child, was about four or five he went through an extreme picky eater stage. No meat, no eggs, no vegetables. Of course he would eat bacon – perhaps not realizing that “meat candy” is actually made of meat, or what was meat at one time. I could only get milk down him by putting Hershey’s syrup in it. The only vitamins he got are whatever vitamins lurk in Pop Tarts, Domino’s Pizza, Mountain Dew, and if I was lucky, ramen noodles. It was also just my luck that the POMC was tall and large framed- and his picky eating habits were making him “thin for his height” which I got to hear incessantly at every Dr. visit from the time he was four until he was about eleven. Most people get read the riot act because their kids are lard asses, but I never had that problem.
I got mixed messages from the Dr.s though. Yes he was thin, yes, he needed more calories to avoid looking like a very white starving African child, but I shouldn’t cater to his demands. “If he’s hungry enough he’ll eat eventually,” was one response. Then I was warned, “Do you know how many men I see in my practice who will only eat hot dogs and hamburgers because their mothers fixed them special meals and didn’t make them eat a variety of foods?”
Calling raw broccoli “little trees,” and even dunking them in ranch dressing didn’t work. He would just suck the ranch dressing off them. I did get him to the point where he will eat a few meats- the value brand turkey lunch meat from Kroger’s, chicken wings (atomic sauce with plenty of ranch dressing,) medium-rare steak, and Arby’s roast beef. I don’t think I’ve seen him eat a vegetable- at least not of his own volition- other than fries and ketchup.
Steve-o was smarter than all that noise. If he didn’t like something he wasn’t going to eat it, and no one was going to make him. He would just wait until he was at school or at the sitter’s and then he would either mooch, or trade things for the food he wanted. He learned the negotiatory arts at a very early age. There were too many kids at school and at his sitter’s willing to procure him whatever goodies he wanted. Never mind that Mom- who made us eat granola that resembled dog food in more ways than one for breakfast while other kids sucked down their Froot Loops and Cocoa Krispies-would buy him boxes and boxes of Pop Tarts and then let him free forage in the kitchen for chow. I am not sure if spray cheese has any nutritional value but I quit buying it when I discovered why the cans turned up empty as soon as they landed in the cabinet. Spray cheese is just too easy a man food. Just tilt back your head, spray and swallow. Steve-o would snarf down the whole can.
Jerry is just as bad if not worse about being a fussy eater. He will eat vegetables and meat, but for him it’s more about the method of preparation and the spices (or hopeless lack thereof) involved. Jerry prefers fried food with lots of salt and grease. He does not like healthy things such as brown bread, baked meats, or anything with red sauce. He does not like garlic or spicy things.
But he adores bacon. The Universal Man Food.
So if it works for the folks at Purina- “dogs don’t know it’s not bacon”- (technically that is a double negative, so apparently they do know it’s not bacon-but- the thing is they’re dogs, and a rotten possum ass will work just fine for them) then how can you expect a man with beer-addled brain cells to know the difference?
Why can’t Purina or some other food-type company come up with something sort of like the Beggin’ Strip, but the difference being it looks like bacon, smells like bacon, but is a completely nutritionally balanced food with all the vitamins and protein and fiber that men won’t eat voluntarily? It would make my life a hell of a lot easier.
“What am I gonna eeeeeeat?’ (yes, Jerry does whine like this.)
“I got you Bacon-Flavored Man Chow- it’s in the cabinet!”
“Cool,” he replies as he rips open the bag and starts sucking down those bacon-flavored strips.
I’ve always wondered why I’ve never seen women’s sumo wrestling. I’ve been to Newark, OH. I used to work there, and one of the perks was the fact that clothes in my size were always marked down in the local stores- because there was no demand for any women’s clothing smaller than a 4X. I know women get big enough to sumo wrestle, but you never see Women’s Sumo Championship in the headlines. If men will pay money to watch skinny bimbos roll around in the mud, then why not pay to watch fat chicks sumo wrestle? I’m sure they can make those diapers in size 20 underwear size.
Another headline that will probably never appear in my lifetime: Asian Driver Wins NASCAR Race. Asians are too smart for NASCAR, and typically they drive slow enough to make me look like something out of Smokey and the Bandit. For those who don’t know how conservatively I drive, I can just imagine Wang commenting to his wife Lee, “Oh, horry clap, she’s goring 62 in a 65!”
I really try not to follow politics too closely because I know how riled up I can get when I do. I really can’t stand the current POTUS for a number of reasons none of which have to do with his race. First of all I am not convinced he is even eligible to hold the office of president (his birth certificate is about as convincing as the one I fabricated for Sheena) and even should he be deemed eligible, he’s the Worst President Since Jimmy Carter.
B.O. Must GO! Here’s my new bumper sticker.
Then again I shouldn’t insult Jimmy Carter like that. Jimmy at least was an American citizen, a war veteran, and a Christian. Where he got some of his crazy ideas I’ll never know, but at least with Jimmy his heart was in the right place even if his head was up his ass. Obama has no heart, and I don’t think even installing a glass belly button would help him see daylight. Where the hell did the Dumb-o-crats find this asshole and how did they get that many people- other than dead people, illegal aliens and felons- to vote for him? As much as I am not thrilled about Mitt Romney, I’d vote for him over Obama any day. I’d vote for Sheena, even though she’s a mentally challenged dog, rather than Obama. At least Sheena wouldn’t try to block the pipeline and/or keep the US from using our domestic resources. She does lick her own ass, she’s not above eating out of the trash, and she refuses to wear clothing ,which might not be hot selling points in her bid to be elected- but compared to B. O., Sheena’s a shining star of virtue.
I knew better. Talking about politics always gets me good and pissed off – and plenty sarcastic. As if I need help in that.