I got a very pointed reminder today from one of my closest friends (who I’ve not seen in years) that I have been pathetically lax in doing the things that friends do- i.e. communicating… He didn’t come right out and say that in so many words, but the correspondence he sent me certainly implied it, and I get the point. I can count on one hand the people I actually consider to be friends versus casual acquaintances or family I have to tolerate because they’re blood, and he is one of the two human beings on Earth who know me better than anyone except for God Himself. There really is no good excuse for me being so distant. I can say that my health issues or work or Jerry’s high maintenance demands are the culprits, but to do that is a cop out. It’s been over a year since the hysterectomy so that’s not an excuse, (my health has improved most markedly since then) I used to work a lot more hours than I do now, so it’s not really about time, and Jerry always was and always will be high maintenance and jealous of every second I fail to spend kissing his ass.
So the thing that’s holding me back is the thing that always holds me back. Fear. I am afraid to make a simple phone call to my closest friend because I am afraid that he will tell me what I already know. I’m getting used, abused and ran like a railroad, I allow it to happen, and I’ve allowed it to happen my entire life. He has told me that for years even though I know it already and I’ve failed to do anything about it. I am a rather pathetic specimen in more ways than one. But I did make the call, and at least had the courage to leave a voice mail, for what it’s worth.
I’m tired of living in fear, and I need to break that particular bad habit. I also have to have the decency and the just plain humanity to maintain the relationships and the people who have maintained me and grown my soul. The caveat here is to maintain such relationships in an honorable and good way. Running from them is not an answer. Since when did I give a rat’s ass what anyone else thinks of me except for God Himself? The touchy part of this is that in my quest to “do the right thing” I’ve gotten so hung up on morality and rules and conventions that I ignore people. I’m afraid to maintain a dialogue with my friends- especially those of the opposite gender- because I am afraid that I will fall down the slippery slope. I guess it’s hard to be bad to other people when you avoid them, but it’s also bad to avoid them because then you’re not doing any good. I admit, I use Jerry as an excuse because he does make things difficult for me, but he will always do that. Sometimes I forget that socially and emotionally he has a mental age of about four. I’m not saying that to criticize because I am an emotional cripple myself.
I have lost my perspective and have come damned close to losing whatever honor I ever had. I know emotions are a really difficult area for me, but running away from them and failing to be honest with myself regarding how I feel and who and what I deem to be important is not working.
I have to admit, nobody does apathy like I do. Then again, if I get something in my craw it’s hard for me to do or think of anything else.
Especially when the large groups are trucked in from Michigan and West Virginia to protest at the Ohio statehouse, so the media will think that most of the people in Ohio are all for continuing the status quo instead of actually addressing the graft and waste in state and local government. Nice try, but I hope that the Governor as well as the General Assembly have enough sense to understand that the union protesters are a very small but very whiny minority.
The tail has wagged the dog long enough.
That goes for every other whiny minority out there too, including any racial group who thinks they are owed reparations because their distant ancestors were slaves, including the litigation happy trial lawyers, including the special rights for gays contingent, and anyone else out there who believes they are entitled to special protections or perks that the majority is not entitled to.
The bottom line:
Anyone who goes back far enough in their genealogy will find ancestors who were slaves. I have a good number of Scots in my lineage, but I really don’t feel compelled to go back on Great Britain to seek reparations for the Scots in my ancestry who were enslaved, oppressed or killed back in antiquity. Nor do I feel compelled to go to the US government to seek reparations for their treatment of my Cherokee ancestors.
Anyone who feels compelled to sue someone else because of their own stupidity and negligence (remember the lawsuit over McDonald’s coffee being hot?) should be 1. laughed right out of court, and 2. fined for wasting the court’s time with bullshit. The bottom feeding trial lawyers who make a killing on insurance fraud and frivolous, bullshit litigation should be fined also, and then required to make restitution to the honest part of society by picking up trash along the freeways and serving the homeless who come to the soup kitchens.
I don’t really care what people do in the privacy of their own bedrooms, and I really don’t care if a person is gay, straight, bi, furry, whatever, as long as they abide by the rules and contribute to society. However, getting special treatment because of one’s lifestyle choice is not only unfair, but it has been proven by medical science that the gay lifestyle leads to a host of serious health concerns. We also know from history that rampant homosexuality led to the decline of both the Greek and Roman societies in antiquity. Do we really think that sanctioning homosexual partnerships and claiming them to be as good if not better than heterosexual marriage is a good thing for society in general? How about a legal process in which one’s partner-be it a roommate, a business partner or a homosexual lover- is given the right to legally act in many of the ways that a spouse automatically is? Marriage is for a man and a woman, with the implication that there may be breeding going on, but any two people can choose to be “legal partners” or something of that effect. That sounds like a viable compromise to me.
I think I’ve ranted enough for today, but the lesson lingers on. I cannot forget about and/or neglect my friends. I don’t have that many to begin with.