Bodily Effluvia, Bizarre Dreams, and Silence

snot monster

I hate snot.  Green snot, clear snot, yellow snot, brown snot, bloody snot.  Snot out the nose.  Snot out the mouth.  Snot down the back of my throat.  I’ve had it forever with snot.

Yet for the past four days, excessive snot, in all its disgusting, messy, and inconvenient forms, has been my sad reality.

Sunday I was tempted to grab a big piece of cardboard and a Sharpie and just write on it : CAN’T TALK / GO AWAY.  When I’m feeling crappy I want to be left alone.  Let me snot and sneeze and choke and spray snot chunks in relative peace.  If I need something That Bad, I’ll go get it.  Leave me alone to my vast stash of Nyquil and related patent remedies, so I can drift off to restless and strange dreams of swallowing aluminum cans, climbing mountains, and hanging out with the dude from Survivorman.  That is not a good show to fall asleep to.  Especially considering the dude eats bugs.  That is not normal.

Eating-Insects_photo_medium

I know, lean protein, but ewwwwwwwwww!

I know that someone like me who is highly prone to a surplus of bodily effluvia of the mucoid kind should probably sell everything and move to the desert.  The only problems with that are: 1.) Even if I sold everything I own, it wouldn’t get me much further than about Illinois, which is even worse than Ohio- worse climate, worse economically, etc. and so on.  2.) The desert, while dry, is HOT.  I don’t do heat worth a tinker’s damn, especially since the Menopause Fairy has come to stay.  I still get the wayward hot flash, even in below-freezing Central Ohio winter.

I’m stuck here, although I don’t refer to Central Ohio as the Armpit of North America any more.  Not since I’ve been to Detroit.  I’m not Catholic and I don’t believe in Purgatory, but if there were such a thing as Beezelbub’s Waiting Room, it would be located somewhere on 8 Mile Road.  The greater Columbus area is paradise when compared to Detroit, or even Cleveland.

detroit-house

Clark Griswold wants to know: “Hey, kids, you see all this urban blight?”

Hint: It’s what happens when the gimme crowd takes over.

Not being able to talk has its advantages- once people get it that your voice has taken a hiatus they tend to leave you alone- but it has disadvantages as well.

It wasn’t very fun trying to communicate in the Sprint store on Saturday.  My phone (admittedly it had gone long beyond its intended lifespan) bricked (bricked (v.) – to stop functioning, i.e. to effectively become a “brick.”) so I was more or less compelled to go to the Sprint store to get another phone so that communication with my son and other family members would still be possible.  Even if I can’t talk, I can still text.  If I have a working phone!!!

Even though the poor girl in the Sprint store probably had a hell of a time understanding me, she understood me well enough to retrieve my SD card from the old phone and transfer as much of my data as possible between the card and what I’d saved on Google.  My old phone was old, but it was still an Android phone. It had some of the new amenities. Even so, now I know to save ALL my contacts to Google and not just here and there.

Thankfully (and with a much lighter wallet) I left with a working phone that I can text on and play my MP3s with.  Well, a bit more than that.  OK, so I let the tech geek in me have a bit of fun and I got the Note 3 that Steve-o was raving on and on about.  I can draw pictures on it, and the camera’s better than my actual camera.  I like it a lot, so far.

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At least I can text…and then some.

I’ve been so choked up with snot that I’ve been without a voice pretty much since Saturday morning until this morning, and what little bit I have, is a little bit.  I was able to drag my carcass in to work today which is a plus.  I don’t like to call off on Mondays, but there’s no sense in coming in if I can’t talk to anyone and I’m blowing snot chunks all over them to boot.  There’s also no sense in spreading whatever freaking germs are lurking in all that superfluous snot, although this time of year is a veritable germ smorgasbord no matter where you go or what you do.  At least I wasn’t on the SS Montezuma’s Revenge like all those poor suckers who paid out the wazoo for cruises.  I got good and infected right here at home, for free!

Cruise_Ship

Which is worse?  Shits or snots?

Even though I generally don’t get to pick, I think I can live with the shits better than the snots.  Although neither are to be envied.

Inevitable Entropy: i.e. The Shithouse Rats Have Assumed Control

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Anywhere but here!

I’m not the sort of person who tries to shove my faith down people’s throats, at least not in an overt manner.  My faith does inform my worldview, and it does influence what kind of an example I strive to be, (remembering that some of us are examples of what NOT to do) but I’m not going to be the one handing out Chick Tracts or scaring the holy bejezus out of people with threats of damnation and hellfire.  I believe there’s a real hell, but I can’t keep anyone out of it who really wants to go.  I can’t bring anyone to heaven either.  Jesus said He is the Way, the Truth and the Life.  If you want to inquire about heaven, then Jesus is the one you want to get to know, not a crusty old purveyor of automotive parts.

Anyway, I’ve made an observation that is not surprising.  I’ve known for years that the gene pool could use some more chlorine, but I think that the shithouse rat crazies have assumed control.  Mind you, I am no paragon of mental health, but today’s headlines (even as much as I try to avoid mainstream news) are positively insane.

chris christie

Chris Christie had LapBand.  Is this a surprise?

In my world “news” should be unusual or enlightening information.  I’m glad that Governor Christie could afford to have LapBand, despite the fact I’m one of the poor suckers who has to decide which scripts I can afford when.  I am sort of reminded of the morbidly obese who ride around in the WalMart motorized scooters.  If they would get off their rumps and walk through WalMart, perhaps the scooter would not be necessary.  If not for the expensive (and calorie laden, no doubt) diet, perhaps he would not have needed the expensive surgery.   But I will be merciful, because I know poor metabolism is a bitch.

As far as being one challenged by weight management, I will say one thing about the correlation between being poor and fat (as opposed to being rich and fat.)  When you can’t afford healthy food, you will buy what will fill your belly, even if it is discount mac-n-cheese, or all kinds of corn-laden, sugar-filled, salty snacky food.  Fresh produce (especially in places like Ohio) is of poor quality and exorbitant high price in winter.  Granted, if you are observant you can get frozen fruits and vegetables- which are almost as good health-wise as fresh, at a reasonable price without preservatives, salt or grease, but you have to look.

This isn’t news.  If he loses weight and gets buff, and stays away from Obama, AKA: Beezelbub, that would be news.  Maybe.  I lost a lot of respect for Governor Christie when he sucked up to Obama after the hurricane.  One does not kiss up to evil just because it is expedient, but hell, if I could afford a medical procedure (if if existed) that would make me 6′ tall and 120# I’d be the first one to break out the MasterCard.

kim and kanye

 Kim and Kanye– How Dare She Wear My Curtains!

I understand that most conceptions are accidental.  The illustrious Steve-o wasn’t planned, and neither was his daughter.  However, I think she could have done a better job at picking a baby daddy as well as picking a dress that doesn’t make her look like someone wrapped the Titanic in my dining room curtains.  Then again, should the DNA verify the unfortunate child’s paternity, Kim will never have to eat cheap boxed mac-n-cheese or have Cream-of Wheat for every meal the first week of the month ever again, as if she ever did anyway.

Missing Women Found

Now You Can Leave Cleveland!

I would be bat shit crazy too if I had to spend ten years locked away in Cleveland.  Ten minutes in Cleveland is too much for me.  Just think: one of these women’s captors was a school bus driver for the Cleveland public schools.  Think of all the little girls who rode on his bus.  Creepy.  Granted, Cleveland is the hotbed of far-left nut jobs (think New York, west annex) in Ohio, but I have to wonder how nobody noticed three women (and the six-year old girl) hidden in a house for ten years.   In all seriousness, I really feel for these poor women, especially the little girl, who probably has never seen the light of day.

The shrinks are going to be plenty busy with these people, which is really sad.

obamastupid

This guy hasn’t been impeached and removed yet.

The devolution of humanity is on the the fast track and is incrementally gaining speed.

Channeling for Dummies, and a “Today In History” Lesson

 Today in History, July 27, 1974 : Congress began impeachment proceedings on Richard Nixon.

I have to provide a slight disclaimer here.  I don’t believe in spiritism or communicating with the dead.  It is possible to communicate with the spirit world alright, but according to the Bible when one does that, you’re not talking to your dear departed Aunt Frances and you’re not channeling up George Burns.  Even though you think you might be chatting with someone who’s taking the Dirt Nap, you’ve really been having a convo with Beezelbub and company.  Of course, in Obama’s case, the line between him and Beezelbub is rather blurred anyway.  I’m already convinced that they are already quite good chums, and that Beezelbub’s been in charge of the teleprompter all along.  Just my opinion, that, but I’m pretty sure of it.

She does have skin like a rhinoceros, but not necessarily in a good way.  How about some Oil of Olay?

Not long ago, Hillary Clinton claimed to have gotten messages from Eleanor Roosevelt (Eleanor being the only First Lady I can think of who was both more radical and homelier than both Hillary Clinton and Michelle Obama, but I digress) which not only speaks volumes about where Hillary’s coming from, but about just how extreme Obama and his minions really are.  Learning from history is one thing.  Expecting historical figures to take a hiatus from the Great Beyond just to talk to you speaks both to your own personal narcissism as well as your own insecurities.

This being said, if Obama wants to glean some useful information from the Great Beyond (and again, I don’t believe it’s possible to do that) then Richard Nixon is his man.  If the people can convince the do-nothing Congress to grow a pair and impeach Obama as should have been done early in 2009, that is.  It could happen.  I hope it does.

There is no “working with” Obama and his cronies.  Appeasement does not work with bullies.

The situation the Republicans in Congress have with Obama and his cronies reminds me a lot of myself growing up.  I was the weak and sickly nerdy kid- bad coordination, bad clothes, thick glasses, the whole nerd package. I got the hell beaten out of me on an almost daily basis.  I had my things stolen and broken, and my oldest sister especially, did this with impunity. My sister didn’t stop taking my stuff and pounding on me until she took my car and ran it out of gasoline and almost out of oil.   I finally got pissed, saw red, and on sheer adrenaline alone, I beat the living shit out of her.   To this day- 26 years later- she will not ask to drive any car I own.  Appeasement just convinces bullies that they can extort more and more and that they never have to compromise.  Appeasing a bully just makes you the bully’s whipping post.  Take it from someone who knows.  The only way to defeat a bully is to fight back and show him/her that no means no.

Yes, we the people CAN remove a failed president.

As far as the Thief in Chief, I don’t condone violence or any remedy for B.O.’s despotic and likely illegal regime that isn’t specifically provided for in the Constitution.  The Framers of the Constitution understood human nature and built in a remedy for the people to remove a president who oversteps his boundaries and/or breaks the law.  Obama has already committed multiple impeachable offenses.  It’s just a matter of the leaders in the House of Representatives having the stones to not just call him on it but to actually DO it.  The Senate will follow suit when they realize that the public outrage against Obama might just extend to them too.  Stranger things have happened.

Even though impeachment might be a sort of symbolic thing (like it was with Bill Clinton) it effectively kept him under wraps and was at the very least a form of damage control.

Personally I think Obama should take the hint from Dick Nixon and bypass the drama, although I doubt if his incredible narcissism will allow him to.  Resign now and keep at least a shred of dignity, or wait until all the dirty scandals are dragged out in the open.

Bunkies With Beezelbub, Absolute Power, and Who Needs What?

Now we know the Voice of the Teleprompter!

Perhaps it is not very nice for me to insult Beezelbub that way, but the pursuit of power corrupts in ways that can turn an honest man crooked, and a crooked man into a ruthless despot.  This is why the Framers of the Constitution wisely included separation of powers, so that at least in theory, no one man can hold too much power.  I am not a fan of our current president, to put it mildly.  I understand it takes a strong personality and a buttload of money to get elected to public office. There have been precious few po’ folk in the Oval Office (Harry Truman was probably the last.)  How many people with strong personalities and a buttload of money are particularly moral or ethical?  Some politicians are less odious than others, some are positively vile and devoid of any redeeming features, but as far as genuinely “good,” maybe they exist, but I’d need to see it to believe it.

Having neither a strong personality nor buttloads of cash, it is highly unlikely that I would ever aspire to hold public office.  I have a healthy cynicism toward politicians (even Republicans who claim conservatism/fiscal responsibility when it serves their purpose) anyway.  I don’t see how it would be possible today to be honest- or at the least to attempt to stick to one’s principles- and survive in the world of politics.

Ted looked normal, anyway.

I can see how psychopaths could do very well in the political sphere.  Is Obama Ted Bundy’s political cousin?  What about Bill Clinton? To be fair, the most recent president that Obama reminds me of is Richard Nixon.  Here was a guy who was also paranoid and secretive and involved in shady business, though Dick Nixon’s a choirboy (as is Clinton) when compared to the current Obfuscater In Chief.

I don’t think anyone’s in the political game for altruistic motives.  One can argue that there is no such thing as true altruism, because people reach out to others to fulfill their own needs for belonging and self-esteem.  Obama reaches out to the entitlement crowd because to them they’re voting for Santa Claus.

I can go on for days on this one.

Of course, human beings have needs.  It’s just not the function of government to provide those needs for people who should be working and providing for themselves.

Another tidbit from Psych 101: Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.

Not to disagree too much with Maslow, but I know people whose hierarchies are a lot different.  Such as Jerry’s:

Not just any beer.  Natty Lite.  Acck.

I think that hierarchy stays pretty consistent as one ages too.  As a little kid mine would have looked something like this:

Plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose– the more things change, the more they stay the same, and yes, I drank coffee even as a very young child- thanks Grandma, for putting the Folger’s monkey on my back!

I think part of the problem with society today is that self-esteem is over-rated.  You shouldn’t feel good about yourself if you suck.  Normal people naturally feel shitty when they know they should do something about their suckiness. Save the feeling good for when you’ve accomplished something.

I remember all the vapid little cartoons and sketches and stuff designed for kids back in the 70’s to make them feel good about themselves. I watch that stuff today and a good bit of it makes me want to vomit.  Some of it was good, such as telling girls that they can be astronauts just like the guys, and that it’s OK for guys to cry in public, even if it makes them look like pussies to the rest of the world.   The problem is that touchy-feely stuff has morphed even further into the notion that the world owes you simply because you’re vertical and sucking up valuable oxygen.  I still remember Steve-o and his attempts at the “I’m entitled because I’m breathing” tactic to get out of doing unpleasant tasks, such as, “I don’t have to clean the cat box, Mom, because I’m just fine the way I am.”  Ok, keep up that philosophy and you can talk yourself out of doing anything menial- or meaningful- for that matter.   Nice try, but I won’t let you get away with it.  I was a Mean Mommy.  I made him do chores.  It was good for him.

I think for a long time Steve-o thought I was the reincarnation of Joan Crawford, which is erroneous on two levels.

First, I don’t believe in reincarnation. Second, Joan died in 1977.  I was born in 1969, which makes such a notion logistically impossible.

Why would anyone want to improve themselves and work to reach their potential if they’re convinced that they’ve reached the apex of personal achievement simply by getting out of bed? I have a problem with that.  Perhaps it’s my flaming type-A personality shining through yet again, but if you’re going to suck up valuable oxygen, do something at least halfway constructive with it.

“You’re not a *eff-tard…You’re just a tard,” probably isn’t a very good apology when you’ve called your son an *eff-tard in a fit of anger.  I’m sorry, Steve-o.

Mommy doesn’t do well with things like empathy and compassion.

Anyway, I know this election season I’ve found it hard to hold my tongue, and while I strive for civility, I often fail miserably.  It looks like I will have to settle for my two good friends, satire and sarcasm, to get me through.

Sadly, no matter how things turn out, ‘ol Splitfoot is going to have a field day.