I Don’t Wanna Talk About It (But I Will Anyway,) and I Love Lucy

October 2, 2013Tonya Lanthron Leave a comment

Lucy is clearly not a Belgian Malinois (most likely Bulldog and Beagle) but as Mick Jagger once sang: “You can’t always get what you want /But if you try sometimes /You just might find /You get what you need…”

Even considering the insight of the Rolling Stones, I didn’t really need a third dog. Even so, I was surprised it took Jerry from May to September to end up with another dog. I wanted another Malinois for Miss Clara to mentor, (and I still do) but when a stray dog (almost) got into it with one of the ankle biters at the campground over table scraps, Jerry had to intervene, and rightfully so. I couldn’t say no to that face and those eyes.

Either we took Lucy with us, or she’d have ended up with an ass full of buck shot, as the owner of the ankle biter in question would not hesitate to do it. It was a no-brainer. We took Sheena, messed up as she was, because she needed a home and we had a space. Lucy, even though I have little to no experience with either bully breeds or hounds, has a lot more going for her than poor Sheena did.

This is a young female Malinois- not Lucy!

Unlike Sheena, Lucy can hear. Lucy also has teeth. She has a bit of an underbite, (normal for Bulldogs) but she still has 42 sturdy, clean, white teeth. She’s also young (about a year, according to the Vet) and to our shock, had already been spayed. I feel bad that she was put under anesthetic and cut on only to find out she’d already been spayed, but how were we to know? In spite of undergoing what proved to be an unneeded surgery, she’s in impeccable health- aside from having to lose a pound or two from her incessant moochings at the campground. (Who can resist those eyes and that face?) She should get down to a proper weight now that she’s on Diet Plate with Lilo and eating pretty much just dog food. She also has a microchip and tags now, should she manage to wander off from us.

I don’t know why anyone would bother to spay a dog and then not microchip her, or bother to put a collar and tags on her, but that’s not my call. Against my first instincts, I love this weird looking little dog, even though she waddles when she walks and drools in her sleep. Even the cats are chumming up to her and kissing on her, (Jezebel especially loves dogs) which makes me wonder if she really went off on the ankle biter, or that if the ankle biter’s owners were just paranoid that she was hanging around and mooching. Then again, in our house the cats don’t compete with the dogs for food. The cats eat in a dog-free area, otherwise the cats wouldn’t get to eat at all. As far as competing with the other dogs, Clara and Lilo are both a lot bigger than Lucy, and she strikes me as being smart enough not to pick a fight with either one of them.

I’m starting to think my tits have mistaken themselves for migratory birds, as they have moved so far south. I know my grandmother warned me when I was 13 that I should always wear a sturdy bra, and for the most part I have heeded her advice, but the effects of gravity, like those of other forces associated with entropy, are inevitable.

Aging sucks, especially when it challenges your deeply held belief that it won’t happen to you.

I’ve been trying to avoid the political landscape as that whole scene is just plain depressing. I knew what a piece of work our illegitimate president was before he cheated himself into office the first time. I’m not at all surprised by what’s going on, even though it’s puzzling to me why the illegitimate fraud squatting in the White House hasn’t been impeached, removed and deported by now.

-Apparently playing the race card can still get you very far even with no experience, talent or ability to cooperate with others, and apparently not enough people care that you are illegitimate and lacking any sort of merit, if you can claim a favored minority status- and that makes my blood boil.

Anyway, I told myself I would avoid political tangents today so I am trying very hard not to. The bad part about trying to avoid doing something is that if you avoid it too hard you step right into it, sort of like when I try to go out in the back yard and try not to step in dog shit. Usually when I’m hell bent on avoiding dog shit is exactly when I step in it.

Oh, the parallels between stepping in dog shit and the illegitimate, destructive and dangerous Obama administration. The only difference is that dog shit washes off.

Wandering Through the Graveyard, Yeah, the Bell Tolls for Me

September 24, 2013Tonya Lanthron Leave a comment

They say, “Ask not for whom the bell tolls.” I used to be able to hear various church bell cotillions growing up, but today the only things I hear from my surroundings are the various airport noises, police and fire sirens, and the tornado siren that goes off every Wednesday at noon. Perhaps the church bell cotillions have gone out of style, in much the same way as we try to distance ourselves from the natural rhythm of death and dying. In Victorian times, death was up close and personal and in your face. There were no nursing homes to warehouse the elderly, and for the most part, when one got seriously ill or injured, death came quickly, usually either on the spot or at home. There were no fire squads or life-flights or trauma units to tend to the catastrophically injured. People didn’t linger on in cancer wards or on machines in intensive care units, sequestered off to die, far away from prying eyes. You just bit the big one wherever you happened to be.

Maybe some Metallica, cranked up, would help. I doubt it.

Infants and children died at an alarming rate as well, which begs the question, how emotionally invested were parents in their children? I could see the temptation in those days to keep loved ones at arm’s length rather than to dare to get too close, but I’m emotionally distant to begin with. I don’t like getting too close to anyone even if I am somewhat confident of their continued longevity.

I do think that this mother was very close to her departed six-year old Wallie. This headstone is both unique, and to me, rather sad.

Maybe wandering through a graveyard is macabre, and certain graveyards have a sort of a creepy vibe to them, but others are pleasant to wander through. I’ve always found the Marion Cemetery to be a fascinating and aesthetically pleasant place to wander about, at least in the daytime. I’d like to go back again with an empty memory card and several hours to simply take pics and read the headstones and try to visualize the people whose lives were behind them.

There are graveyards closer to my house, but there’s something intriguing knowing that I have relatives buried in the ones up in Marion County. Some of my relatives’ graves are marked, but some aren’t, and most, I’d have fun finding. I have yet to find the numerous relatives of mine that are buried in Marion Cemetery, but I also have to remember that place is massive- it covers hundreds of acres and goes back to before the Civil War. When I took this batch of pics I was mostly wandering through the Civil War era sections of the cemetery. It was cold that day and after about two hours I’d pretty much gone through my memory card (I have a bigger memory card now) and my joints’ tolerance for cold and damp. I’ve not done much traipsing about in other parts of it. Yet.

Amos Kling was Florence Harding’s father. His obelisk is rather impressive, but I didn’t step back and get a pic of the whole thing.

I’m still amazed at how much money people had to have spent on some of these monuments. Either Marion County was a far more opulent place back in the 19th and early 20th centuries (I’m guessing this one) or people spent a lot more scratch on the dead than they do now. Maybe it was both.

I do know there are a good number of unmarked graves even in the Marion Cemetery which is the largest (and highest dollar real estate) cemetery in Marion County. Whether poverty is the main reason behind that. or indifference, I don’t know. I know some people die and nobody really cares too much about remembering them, but in the end how many people really are remembered for long, and how long do those stone monuments last? Many of them from the 1880’s and earlier are almost beyond deciphering.

This one always intrigued me- is it an idealized image of the deceased or a heavenly specter, or both?

I think they were referring to the building being built. Still funny though.

“Less Than Optimal,” Liar, Liar, and Uncommon Sense

September 11, 2013Tonya Lanthron Leave a comment

Straight from the mouth of our “less than optimal” illegitimate president.

Jim Carrey starred in a movie a number of years ago called Liar, Liar in which his character’s (who was a habitual liar) son’s birthday wish was that he couldn’t lie for 24 hours. I think it would be hilarious if something to that effect happened to Obama- if he had to tell the truth out loud, without a teleprompter, to the American people, for 24 hours. If he couldn’t evade questioning, and if he was compelled to blurt out the truth, I can only imagine the tales that would be told. (After all, truth is generally stranger than fiction.) I can only dream of the wave of vindication that would be enjoyed by thinking people (to borrow from Rush Limbaugh,) all across the fruited plain.

Oh, the sweet sound of the truth setting this country free from the entanglement, ineptitude, and tyranny of the corrupt and debauched Obama regime.

Of course, the Liar, Liar movie is fiction, and Obama is too morally bankrupt and caught up in his own delusions to ever admit to the truth, but envisioning Obama as the Liar, Liar instead of Jim Carrey might be even funnier, and a hell of a lot more gratifying to those of us who have seen through his deception from the beginning.

Knowing how many states are in the United States is a good start.

Anyway, I can really get fired up and distracted on any discussion of politics, and anyone who knows me on any level has probably already figured out how much I loathe Obama. It would be different if he hadn’t cheated to get where he is. It would be different if he didn’t make such a concerted effort to do exactly the wrong thing- all the time, every time. I do find it a bit pathetic that the only time Obama has ever shown any inkling of being the least bit hawkish it is in an effort to help his al-Quida and Muslim Brotherhood friends. Never mind all the Christians that got killed in that Egyptian mess. Never mind all the Americans who were killed in Benghazi. Obama’s all about his home boys, and it shows.

Middle Easterners of various factions and stripes have been killing each other for thousands of years. Since the only thing that’s consistent in the Middle East is (with the exception of maybe Israel) they hate Americans, why not just let them kill each other, because that’s what they want to do anyway, and cut ourselves out as the middleman?

My apologies to Sir Winston Churchill, but yes, Obama’s that bad. He’s bad enough that he eclipses the dismal failures of the previous Worst President Ever in a grandiose, epic failure tsunami that I never would have believed possible, except for I’m observing it now as I speak.

Jimmy Carter subscribed (and still does) to most of the same bad ideology that Obama espouses, but with an important difference: motive. I don’t think Jimmy Carter has the same destructive, anti-American, malicious motives as Obama. Carter’s not in it (intentionally, anyway) to destroy the economy, to race-bait, to manufacture poverty, or to create division. I think he just has the old-time thickheaded liberal ideology that followed FDR- that whole delusion of “government for the common good” mess.

However, one does not bring about prosperity by spreading the misery out more widely, which is the idiocy of the “old school” liberal argument. Prosperity is brought about by spreading around the prosperity (i.e. free market economics) as Reagan rightfully observed in the 1950’s and 1960’s.

Obama doesn’t want to bring anyone prosperity, except for him and his cronies. He is all about the oligarchy- a handful of elites with all the wealth and power, stealing from those who produce the wealth to give to themselves and to others unwilling to work to bring about that wealth.

It’s not too late to send him back.

Middle Age, The World’s End, and a Farewell to the Courtesy

September 3, 2013Tonya Lanthron Leave a comment

I love British humor, especially when it’s from the same minds that brought us Shaun of the Dead. The World’s End was a bit different than what I expected in that it sort of hit close to home. It was funny in that way peculiar to the Brits, but it also made me think. Here you have a guy (Gary King) wanting to re-live his one top-of-the-world halcyon moment- and you almost have to hand it to someone who has been able to keep that joie de vivre of youth alive past age 40. I think the whole joie de vivre concept went down the drain for me pretty much by 21, and it was gone for good after my divorce.

In the movie you discover that Gary King’s friends are a lot like me: washed out, sold out, burned out and resigned to the fact that the best of life is far behind them. Gary hadn’t changed, but his friends had. The world around them had changed too, thanks to the blue-blooded alien robots. Orderliness, conformity, blah, blah, blah. The difficult thing is that the older we get, the more we buy the neat and tidy, bland, unexciting life, even when it goes to extremes.

There is something to be said for responsibility and routine and stability. Those things are boring, but at least they’re somewhat predictable and safe. 44 is a long, long way from 17. I know better than to dream lofty dreams or to expect anything better than the status quo. The saying that, “A young person wants a the world and a new BMW, but I’d be happy with just a good BM,” is pretty much true for me.

I’m pretty sure the 1986 me would have drooled over this.

2013 me is a lot more realistic.

I think for me the aggravating thing is that as far as I know, I’ve never had that top-of-the-world halcyon moment, and I’d probably not know it when or if I ever did- or ever will.

The sad part is I can identify with the blue-blooded robots- going through the motions, blending into a bland world of blasé days, one indistinguishable from the next, keeping things orderly and tidy and boring until one day you sort of drop dead. Sometimes I think I dropped dead years ago, but just forgot to fall over.

On another tangent, the city of Marion lost an historical landmark, if you can call a motel turned cathouse an historical landmark.

In 1960-whatever it was a nice little roadside motel with a pool and everything.

In 2006 it was a pay-by-the-hour cathouse.

It was a little bit sad to see what was left of the Courtesy bulldozed over, although I think the only purpose it had served for the last couple of years was as a crack house. The only thing is that half of the town or more would have to be bulldozed if they wanted to eliminate all the crack houses.

The main take-home I got from The World’s End is that you can’t really go home again, and you can’t really ever re-live your glory days, and I never really had any to begin with. Perhaps my mistake is that I have to go back home again from time to time and what I see depresses me even though I don’t live in that sphere anymore.

I think that’s why my sisters avoid going to Mom and Dad’s like the plague. That feeling of being misplaced and out of time is disconcerting enough, but add opening up the old wounds and bad memories and rivalries and so forth, and it can be downright abysmal. Sometimes I don’t understand why I go back as often as I do, but then I remember that my son and my granddaughter still live there. I can’t demand that my family meet me where I am, even if they could.

I leave with the philosophical observation of the day.

Sicker Than Fiction, and the Stop and Gawk Effect

August 22, 2013Tonya Lanthron 2 Comments

Although I have recently expressed my disdain of TV news, even I can be reeled in by gratuitous displays of the macabre. Especially at 5:45 AM. Though details are sketchy, the scuttlebutt has it that several vehicles ran over this poor woman’s corpse before cops could stop traffic and retrieve what remained of the remains. What I’m wondering, is how does a dead body end up in the middle of the Interstate at 5AM? Was it foul play or perhaps a more grandiose version of the phenomenon where socks, shoes, clothing and furniture mysteriously end up on the side of the road? Who (excepting toddlers and possibly teenage boys) just randomly tosses a shoe out on the freeway?

The appearance of a dead body in the middle of I-71 is far more unusual than the normal trucker bombs, occasional shoe, or piece of furniture commonly observed on the berm. I am sure there are a plethora of details yet to be unearthed from this rather grisly occurrence right here in beautiful central Ohio.

I am also sure that commuters coming into Columbus on I-71 northbound were not terribly happy about being rerouted around the outer belt. That could add 20 miles to some commutes depending on where you’re coming from, your knowledge of the city, (there are ways much shorter than official detours) and where you need to end up. I used to be a parts driver years ago. I know the short cuts, back ways and plenty of alternate routes to get just about anywhere in the greater central Ohio area. I had to learn them long before the days of GPS, though I will say GPS can make back road traveling more interesting. Just a week ago Saturday I discovered a nice little back road route to get from Lancaster to Reynoldsburg without having to go all the way to I-270 and then having to head back east again.

One thing that is universal about metro areas is the stop and gawk effect. Whenever there’s an accident in the road it seems as if everyone has to slow down and stop and gawk at it. As much as I really get pissed when other people do it I find myself doing the same thing, only worse, because I’m the weirdo trying to assess the damage to the cars.

That Grand Am was totaled.

There’s a sort of karmic justice in this one though. This is just another reason to avoid those regions too far north for human habitation.

On a more serious note I have to wonder why it seems so compelling to observe the misfortune of others. What is the allure of human pathos- ranging from scandal to physical damage to death itself?

I’m also wondering, though I’m not surprised, why there is such a lack of compassion and public outcry for the murder of Christopher Lane from the self-appointed “leaders”- Al Sharpton and Obama most conspicuously- in the black community. Jesse Jackson did offer some pap about “living in peace” with each other, and how he “frowned” on this incident, which was something more than nothing. It was better than him officially condoning “killing whitey,” for whatever that’s worth.

Apparently the murder of an unarmed white guy by three black thugs just doesn’t carry the moral outrage of a black thug getting killed by a white guy defending himself.

When will we as a country and a culture get past the race baiting and the sensationalism attached to racial issues?

Why can’t we see past Obama’s race and impeach him for his blatant incompetence?!

Obama isn’t entirely to blame for the racial unease in this country. He is partially a result of it- white liberals voted for a black guy to appease their own guilt over how black people were treated in the past, and he got overwhelming support from black people, many of whom wrongfully think anyone who keeps the government handouts coming and/or is black (or claims to be black) themselves is “on their side.” Of course there was a heaping helping of voter fraud in there as well. He may have won in 2008 somewhat honestly- but certainly NOT in 2012.

So more than half the country loathes this impostor president currently squatting in the White House. But Obama knows he can get away with anything up to and including murder (remember Benghazi…) because he can always instill the fear of race riots should “his majesty” be deposed.

If only there were racial equality in this country- then it would not be a problem impeaching and more importantly, removing the Worst President in American History. It would have happened long ago – in fact he’d never have been elected to begin with- if he had been white. Had Obama been (or claimed to be) white, his woeful lack of qualifications and experience would have made him unviable as a candidate. “Not enough gravitas,” the naysayers would bleat, had Obama been or claimed to be white, but the affirmative action candidate gets a pass.

When will this train wreck end? And why am I compelled to stop and gawk at it?

More importantly when will we judge people on the content of their character rather than giving them a pass because of the color of their skin? I’d really like to know.

A Minimalist Approach, Sweat Tsunami, and What Really Matters

August 19, 2013Tonya Lanthron Leave a comment

And people wonder why I don’t trust the media.

The more I read in the news, or worse, the more TV news I’m subjected to, the more I discover that most of it is not only insanely trite and boring, but also not very applicable to me.

Unless that volcano is erupting in my back yard, or my bed is above that 500 foot-across sink hole, I’m inclined not to give a rat’s ass. I really don’t need to know about it, either.

I will be so glad when the Y pool is opened back up again (this is week 2 of 2 weeks of scheduled maintenance) for two very good reasons.

I hate TV news. I’m starting to get Don Henley’s point. Even if I am listening to my headphones, the various news networks are plastered on the TV screens in the machine room, and they’re captioned. That wouldn’t be so bad, except I am compelled to read anything in print. (This is one of the things about hyperlexia that can really suck- that compulsion to read everything that’s in print.) For me, visual always trumps auditory. What I hear never drowns out what I see.

I am coming very close to hitting my personal vapidity overload threshold. I could care less whose school is on delay, what cologne my dogs should be wearing this season, and the less I know about Obama’s vacations and Obama’s flagrant violations of the Constitution, the more sane I can try to remain.

Obama is thoroughly corrupt and loathsome. I don’t need to keep on observing the media’s attempts to make him look good.

There really isn’t much in the morning news that has any sort of relevance in my life. Now I know why I don’t watch it voluntarily. I know most of the normals watch TV news- which is why it’s on during the morning workout hours- but the way I’m wired there are certain things I can only take in tiny doses, such as the Kardashians, gay men who try to tell me how I should dress, and natural disasters in divers parts of the world. I get what news I really have to have on a need to know basis, usually online. That minimalist strategy helps me turn down the mental noise. Why should I get my undies in a bunch over things I have no control over?

No self respecting straight man would be seen dressed like these two- not even on Halloween.

Even though I have my coping strategies, being on the spectrum makes it easy for me to overload and get overwhelmed and depressed, so I have to make a conscious effort to try to be somewhat careful what I load up in my head. It either has to be practical, or at least funny.

The other thing I sort of dislike about working out on the elliptical machine vs. swimming laps in the pool is I hate sweating and I hate being hot. After 40 minutes on that machine, my clothes are completely soaked and one can actually wring the sweat out of them which is absolutely disgusting. Even though my morning workouts are always followed by a thorough, insanely soapy, and ultimately freezing cold shower, that icky sticky sweaty feeling is nasty while it lasts. Not to mention my clothes- they go directly in the wash when I get home.

I see people wearing workout clothes for more than one day at a time and I sincerely hope that either a.) they don’t sweat like I do, or b.) they’re washing that stuff out every night. I’m not OCD or a germophobe- at least not to extremes- but my workout clothes are absolutely unwearable after one workout until they’re washed again.

40 minutes of exercise is 40 minutes of exercise, but it’s a lot more pleasant in the pool. At least then all I have to wash off is the chlorine.

I am thankful to be able to have a Y membership, don’t get me wrong, but it can be frustrating when I have to shift to a different plan. I don’t mind doing the elliptical now and then as a change of pace, but every day, and in the summer- not so much. In the middle of winter it might not be so bloody hot.

At least I’m working out. I don’t look like the buff chick on the machine up there but at least I don’t look like this:

Ignorant and Blithely Oblivious, Part Two

August 14, 2013Tonya Lanthron 1 Comment

I gotta love this Plastic Jesus guy for this particular prank.

I have to wonder how many people tried to buy the Useless Plastic Box. I can just imagine the look on the Best Buy Team Member‘s face when he/she got questions on that one. Then again, where I live, I’d be happy to find any retail store with a Team Member who a.) speaks English as a first language, and b.) actually gives a rat’s ass about the poor suckers who buy their crap.

The greater question would be, “Who would want to?”

I also have to wonder about the WalMart creatures. I know it’s not polite to make fun of other people’s poor clothing choices especially when those choices appear to be motivated by extreme drug abuse and/or profound brain damage, but it is funny. I freely admit that I don’t score high in “ability to empathize with others” at times. Appearing in public looking like a stoned and deranged circus clown (no offense intended to actual circus clowns) should invite derision as far as I’m concerned, not only from me, but from society at large.

These two could use a rear view mirror.

Speaking of society at large, we seem to have grown a substantial “Emperor’s New Clothes” mentality. When you know what you’re seeing all around you is completely ridiculous, uncalled for, trite, and without substance, but you’re afraid to speak out about it and call it for what it is, you end up with wannabe vapid figureheads in lieu of leaders.

My question is, how deep do you have to be mired in denial to fail to see that the gutless wonders in government and in the public sphere at large are devoid of substance and incapable of leadership?

Need I say more?

How long does it take to understand that there are moral absolutes just as there are physical and material absolutes?

I’d also like to know, while I’m at it, why it’s OK for black thugs to victimize and kill other black people, which happens hundreds of times a day, and that gets a pass from the media, law enforcement and the “leaders” of the black community, but it’s positively offensive for a white (or Hispanic) guy to defend himself against a black thug when he fears for his life? Where’s Al Sharpton and/or Jesse Jackson speaking out against black on black violence?

Don’t get me wrong, violence and thuggery are equally wrong and I don’t give a rat’s ass what race the perpetrator happens to be. How about looking at the crime and not the color of the perpetrator’s skin? Why is there some kind of crazy “affirmative action” that gives black perpetrators a pass?

You want true equality, then stop giving anyone of any race preferential treatment because of race!

It amazes me still as well that the most adamant critics of capital punishment are the staunchest supporters of abortion on demand. I don’t get this “logic:” Kill and brutally dismember the innocent for being inconvenient, but let’s all shed some crocodile tears for some unrepentant jackwagon axe murderer who slaughtered eighteen shoppers in a convenience store in a fit of drug-fueled rage. Let’s give the axe murderer three hots and a cot, cable TV, and a free education for his trouble. Give me a break. Public execution was a deterrent against violent crime and swift public execution for those convicted of egregious capital crimes needs to make a comeback.

And murderers and child molesters too! In public!

When I was growing up there were Things You Just Don’t Do. Those things were forbidden not because they were dangerous things, but because they were disrespectful. Walking on people’s graves, for instance. It wasn’t cool to be trampling all over someone’s Aunt Sadie’s final resting place. Eating or drinking stuff in the store before you pay for it, (still a pet peeve of mine when someone is letting their rug rat eat out of a box of not-yet-paid-for-snacks,) or failing to clean your plate at dinner if you had been invited to someone’s house to eat as a guest. Even if what was being served was positively vile and/or would make you violently ill.

Yep. The metal ring too.

Many of the Things You Just Don’t Do had to do with behavior in church. As Mom is and was a very strict old-school Catholic, if you missed any part of the Catholic calisthenics during Mass you were wide open for swift retribution ranging from a relatively subtle Vulcan Death Grip to being yanked out of church by the hair and getting a good whacking on the stairs. You did not forget to bless yourself with the holy water. You did not forget to genuflect in front of the altar before sitting down. You said all the responses at the proper times. You sang all the hymns. You sat quietly during the homily and did not occupy oneself by doodling on the missal. You did not get a pass on any of these things even at age two or three. The Catholics (ironically enough) don’t believe in having an nursery where you can take infants and toddlers during worship. A good Catholic mother takes those rug rats to Mass from day one and makes them mind in church during Mass no matter what. Up to and including flogging their offspring to get the point across.

I don’t condone praying to saints- but I would have to have added: “That Mom doesn’t go over the deep end when she beats us!”

I can sort of understand Mom’s obsessive detail to our behavior in church because it taught me that God is watching- but He’s not just watching to make sure a scared little kid is doing the Catholic calisthenics the right way. I learned about the wrath of God long before I discovered His mercy. There’s something to be said for that in a way, but it makes it a bit more difficult later in life to be merciful, to be forgiving, and to try to see the other side. I’m not very good at it.

Ignorant and Blithely Oblivious, Part 1

August 8, 2013Tonya Lanthron 2 Comments

It’s going to drop. Murphy’s Law says so.

It has been said, “ignorance is bliss.” Perhaps in the short term that’s true. It’s sort of hard to have fun when one can see the Sword of Damocles hanging over one’s head.

I remember the most miserable vacation I’d ever had. When I was in seventh grade I had a rather difficult time with math, and I didn’t particularly like the math teacher to boot. She was one of the teachers that assumed that since I had aptitude for and achieved in every other subject that I should excel in math as well. Yeah. Right.

In those days you got a report card every six weeks, that your parent/guardian/resident adult had to sign and return to the teacher. In my family it was worse than that- DAD had to sign it, as his signature is rather ornate and hard to copy. He always perused my report cards with particular scrutiny before signing them. Anything less than straight A’s usually got me grounded, and usually the only subject that was difficult for me to get an A in was, of course, math.

That six weeks before Thanksgiving break I’d barely ended up with a C- in math class, as well as the teacher had included a nasty note on the report card that implied that I was a horrible slacker because I didn’t do well in her class.

The signed report cards were due back the Monday after Thanksgiving. Joy.

Dad wasn’t particularly worried about report cards that Thanksgiving break as he was preoccupied with a long-planned trip to my grandmother’s in St. Louis. Normally I would be thrilled about getting to see my grandmother (Mom’s Mom) who I only got to see once or twice a year and, if I was lucky, for a week or two in summer, but this was a miserable trip.

I’d rather have been stranded with the Griswalds.

I kept wondering when Dad was going to ask about report cards, and/or when my oldest sister would remind him. She was normally quite anxious to get hers signed. She usually got mostly A’s and a B now and then. Dad didn’t usually give her any trouble unless she got below a B in anything. But even my sadistic oldest sister wasn’t in any real hurry to show off her report card this go-round. I would discover later that she had gotten 3 B’s and a bad conduct comment from the gym teacher, which wasn’t quite normal for her either. Her conduct usually was bad- no surprise there- but she was generally very good at hiding her sadism from adults. It was unusual for her to get caught.

My other sister always got crappy grades (Dad usually didn’t get on her if she at least got C’s)- but she had mostly C’s and one D- so she wasn’t in any hurry to have Dad sign her report card either. None of us had the courage to hit Dad up for signatures until the last minute- mostly because nobody wanted to spend an eight hour road trip (one way) listening to Dad seethe and fume on about how bad our grades were. I know I didn’t want to be around Dad in close proximity for four days when he’s pissed. Let him be pissed on Monday when he’s at work and I don’t have to deal with it.

Even so, all I could think about the entire trip was a.) the inevitable browbeating I would get over Mrs. Vitriol’s (not her real name) catty comments, and Dad’s predictable volatility and malaise for the next six weeks. I wouldn’t be going anywhere besides school and the library for a long time.

Mrs. Vitriol’s note was NOT this nice.

I actually tried to find an example of a “nasty note from school” online, and uncovered nothing more than vapid entreaties to parents that they should encourage Suzie or Jimmy to be his or her “best self” tomorrow or similar tripe. My note was to the effect of, “Your daughter is lazy and doesn’t care if she achieves in my class or not.” A little something to make Dad go medieval on my sorry ass. Which he did- with extreme prejudice. Nothing got Dad hot faster than having any teacher accuse me of slacking in school, warranted or not.

The sad irony is that math was the only class I ever really did study for. It just didn’t make sense to me, and still doesn’t once I get beyond what I call “accounting math-” the basic addition, subtraction, multiplication and division one needs to navigate in daily life. I can balance a checkbook, I can figure out what kind of mileage I get, and so forth, but that’s about the extent of my mathematical ability. It was a real struggle for me to get to the point of having that much understanding. I have about as much aptitude for things mathematical as I do for sports.

I would have had a lot more fun on that trip to my grandmother’s if I hadn’t gotten that report card until after vacation. In that instance maybe ignorance would have afforded a little bit of bliss.

Perhaps, but intellect has its advantages.

The Grateful Dead said, “I may be goin’ to hell in a bucket, baby, but at least I’m enjoyin’ the ride.” Apparently that’s how the ignorant go through life.

Biker Wisdom 101

One thing I can say for that philosophy is it probably cuts down on stress. After all, most stress comes from worrying about things that never happen anyway. Unfortunately I find myself taking the Murphy’s Law approach most of the time. I figure everything’s going to go wrong anyway.

In all seriousness, though, worrying about things that a.) will happen anyway, and b.) I can’t change, really is a waste of time.

The Curious American Fascination With Royalty, and Other Strange Vestigialities

July 31, 2013Tonya Lanthron Leave a comment

Is that a weasel or a ferret?

I never knew Queen Elizabeth I was enamored of weasels or ferrets, (the creature on her arm is an ermine- a polite name for a variety of weasel) but in Elizabethan times I’m sure a lone member of the Mustelidae family wouldn’t have added much to the general pestilence of the court. Bathing wasn’t terribly high on the priorities of most Elizabethans. Royalty did bathe more often than the peasantry, who I would assume would only get a good douching in a rainstorm. I think the royals did bathe relatively often- once a week or so- and they did have access to perfumes and soap. I shudder to think about toileting arrangements for the masses and their livestock back then though. No wonder all those people died from typhoid and cholera. Not to mention the plague, which has recently been identified in a squirrel population in California. Too bad it’s the wrong kind of squirrel population.

These aren’t the squirrels to which I refer.

I’ve always thought it a bit strange that Americans still seem to be enamored of British royals. Truth be told today’s royal family- the Windsors– (or should I say Saxe-Coburg and Gotha) are probably more German by ancestry than anything. The name change to Windsor was in response to anti-German sentiment surrounding WWI.

Germans with English names. Sort of like Steve-o, who has an English name, but has more German ancestry than the rest of the family.

Today’s royalty are more or less figureheads with no political authority, but back in the days of the American Revolution, kings (and sometimes queens) held the power of life and death for their subjects. Yeah, that kind of power would be kind of cool, but it could also lead to all kinds of witch hunting and cronyism and the mysterious disappearance of political opposition. Oh, the Obama administration rings a bell, at least as far as the scandal and sleaze factors go. What’s worse about Obama is whatever privileges he thinks he deserves were usurped via dishonest means (i.e. only natural born American citizens are eligible to hold the office of the Presidency) as well as egregious voter fraud. I haven’t forgotten about that- and I’m not going to either. History will prove me right in the end.

The fascination some people have with today’s royals to me is a sort of a modern-day hold out of the fairy tale myth of the all-powerful ruler. The closest thing America has to royalty (don’t even think the Obamas, even though they think and behave as if they have royal entitlements) is the Hollywood crowd.

I think the British royals to be far less sordid than Hollywood, and far more admirable than the Obamas. The royals (unlike most of Hollywood) even have some redeeming features, such as sponsoring legitimate charities, and serving in the military.

I don’t see the Duchess of Cambridge out there screaming about “reproductive rights” (aka: abortion advocacy) while at the same time crying crocodile tears and telling everyone that eating meat is murder. I don’t hear of the Queen telling her subjects that she could have been Trayvon Martin 30 years ago either. I can see where she might show some affinity for Elton John, as he and the Queen share similar taste in hats, but I can’t see her claiming Trayvon.

Now this guy is back in the news. Wiener. Wiener. Wiener.

I don’t think I would vote for this guy- except to piss off Hillary Clinton. She probably has a bigger unit than him, so she shouldn’t be too upset. If I really want to sausage-gaze I think there are better endowed specimens than Wiener (in spite of the name) to be found online. Then again it’s one thing if women are requesting sausage shots from our friend Mr. Wiener, and quite another if the sausage shots are being sent unsolicited. To me it wouldn’t be nearly as perverted if the women are asking for the pics. Then at least they’re getting what they deserved.

Now, for a guy to just randomly send a portfolio of Mr. Happy to every female for whom he has contact information, either he’s a 13 year old pulling a rather sick prank, or that’s a cry for attention.

Am I the only one creeped out by dancing food? Especially dancing wieners. Wiener. Wiener. Wiener.

Wiener. Wiener. Wiener. Wiener. It’s just fun to say wiener.

I’m not a snake. I don’t prefer to consume my prey whilst it’s still alive. I don’t want my food to dance. Especially wieners. I want my food to remain perfectly still until I decide to move it from the plate to my mouth, unless of course I’m eating Jello.

Another Dog? Yes I’m Nuts, and More Obvious Truths

July 17, 2013Tonya Lanthron 1 Comment

I am surprised that I’ve been 2 1/2 months with only two dogs. Clara and Lilo don’t seem to mind one bit, as they have been constant companions for the better part of a decade, but I know what I’m thinking in the back of my head, and what Jerry’s thinking in the front of his head. Our dogs are treated better than most people’s kids, but they still are working girls. They don’t just look cute and eat high dollar dog food. They are our home security. In this day and age I don’t want to be dog-less. It’s hard enough to sleep at night as it is.

I am more than mindful of the fact that a dog’s lifespan (ideally) is about 15 years, though a large dog’s lifespan can be shorter than that. Sheena was only about seven when she died, although Sheena had Issues that Clara and Lilo don’t have.

Sheena’s laundry list of health problems finally caught up with her- at only seven years old.

Clara’s 11. Lilo’s 10. Both of them are in good health, but they are not young dogs by anyone’s standards.

Kayla (right) at age 14, Clara (left) at age 2

Kayla was almost 16 when she passed, which is almost unheard of for a large GSD. We were given the responsibility to care for Kayla in her retirement (she was 11) and were told, “they don’t live much past 12.” Kayla was an effective security dog up until the last six months of so of her life- after she had already had Clara well-trained. I know that Kayla’s lifespan is the exception rather than the rule. Heidi (also a GSD) didn’t “live much past 12. ” She was 12 when she passed-but Heidi had some of the same issues Sheena did. I almost want to avoid GSDs completely because of all the health problems they’re known to harbor, unless I luck upon another Bavarian import like Kayla. Even though Kayla was from a good bloodline and enjoyed good health for almost 15 of her nearly 16 years, most GSDs are not that fortunate.

To make the whole dog-finding process more complex, I really want a Belgian Malinois, or barring that, at least a Malinois/GSD mix. I’m probably going to have to spend $800-$1000 to get the dog I really want, and I will probably have to make a substantial road trip to boot. I’m willing to do that for the right dog, but if I can find a shelter dog that fits the bill, better yet.

Here’s what I’m looking for- a young female Malinois. 16 weeks to 2 years would be ideal- the younger the better.

I have time, and I’d rather keep a lookout for suitable shelter dogs or rescues, but Jerry is Jerry. He can procure or find just about anything that exists. The girls need a protégé.

I’ve never had a male dog, and don’t particularly want one, as the girls tend to have fewer health problems (when spayed) and longer lifespans. That, and I really can’t deal with dogs that hump people, and that hump other dogs, or unfortunate petite black cats. I know not all males are humpers (and some females oddly enough, are) but the visual of Jerry’s Mom’s weirdo odd-eyed Shih-Tzu humping poor Isabel is burned into my retinas. That might not be entirely fair, as ankle-biters are strange anyway. As far as I’m concerned, a dog should be at least 50#, and I have a strong preference for the “protection” breeds. They seem to be more intuitive and intelligent than the average ankle-biter.

When anyone is “more equal” by merit of their race, gender, behavior choices, et cetera, there is no equality and no justice.

I don’t believe in the concept of retribution when it is not directed toward the original wrongdoer. I understand that people of certain races were targeted for unfair treatment in the past, up to and including torture, lynchings and genocide. The problem is that those wrongs are not “made right” today by denying justice simply because a person is of a certain race or ethnic group.

In order for justice to be just it has to be colorblind- not politically correct or expedient for certain “more equal” pigs.

If someone breaks into my house and threatens me and I am in fear of my life, I’m going to blow his/her head off and I’m not really going to care if that person is black, white, green, straight, gay, bi or furry. I have to agree with the Zimmerman acquittal for that reason. I have a right to defend myself if I am being attacked and am in fear of my life. I shouldn’t have to think twice because my attacker belongs to a “protected” group, like the Al Sharptons and Obamas and other race baiters of the world want us to believe.

Should black people be able to perpetrate crime against white people with impunity because some black people were victimized by white people in the past? Obviously the race baiters would scream bloody murder should anyone suggest the opposite scenario, (and they do even when it’s not warranted) but why should crimes perpetrated by ANYONE get a pass? Deeper yet, why should any person have to forfeit his/her right to self defense when he/she is being threatened by a perpetrator of any color? The Trayvon Martin issue was conveniently crafted into a racial issue- when the real issue was the right of self defense.

It seems like a white person using a white toilet is enough to get the race baiters going. It’s reverse racism and it’s just as ugly regardless of who’s being racist toward whom.

To those who are protesting the Zimmerman acquittal, perhaps the real issue is crime- and remembering that in this country, much to Obama and Al Sharpton’s chagrin- citizens still do have the right to defend themselves.

The Second Amendment is crucial to the preservation of American freedom…which is why Obama and others who are anti-freedom can’t stand it.

Then again, the best way to know if a public policy is wrong- and/or in support of the criminal element- is if Obama supports it. That’s why he’s all for gun control, abortion, punitive taxation on commerce, and letting every third world terrorist nut job in the country. I wouldn’t be surprised if he is trying to set us up for a takeover by his friends in the terrorist world.

It’s long past time for this country to get beyond race and start addressing the entitlement culture and the nanny state, which are the real roots of both poverty and crime.

ELYSIANHUNTER, ALWAYS INCITEFUL:

Because comedy is the flipside of tragedy

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